Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Art Intimidating Life - The Ruins of my Mental Empire: Part Eighty-Four



a full twenty minutes of staring at my crotch - i let her go - some suppressed fantasy perhaps? - her twenty minute train ride home spent staring at my crotch, as i stand cool in the doorway, hanging off one of the poles - i got shades on and i've done my what i've had to do with my day - i wonder what she is thinking of, what she is fantasising about, and whether it involves me in particular, or just any old dude on the train - or maybe it's just... it - or maybe she's just in a mid-week haze, staring blanking and thinking nothing - half dead and half asleep - yeah, maybe - i let her go

earlier that day i spent some time walking about the bad-side of town - empty fenced of trashlands - run down buildings built with old red brinks - faded signs of companies and organisations that have gone out of business at least fifteen years ago - i took some photos on my cheap camera and ate a packed lunch on a pile of concrete slabs stained and choked by weeds and dust

i saw a man lingering at the foot of some skeletal metal beams that once used to be something - he singled to me, a hesitant wave - i raised my hand in reply, and slowly walked towards him - he kept watch over both his shoulders, and mine - are you here for the meeting? he asked me
no, i'm not here for anything
what? ...what are you here for?
i'm sorry, im not here for anything
he laughed and twitched, pulling out a cigarette from his jacket pocket and dangling it from his lips - a week later i read about a man who was found dead exactly where we had our exchange - i had no doubt it was him, and i have no doubt it was suicide - for the next three weeks after hearing the news, i developed a severe cough that almost drove me insane

i live in a building - below me a small asian man runs a bottle shop, selling fireworks and weed under the counter to highschool students, and behind the sorry we're closed sign to me - on the floor above they hold dance classes for all types girls and women - the dance teacher is the only male i've seen walked up there - sometimes when im not working, i hear their dance steps infiltrating my afternoon-nap-dreams - once i had a girl over and she did a strange little strip tease for me, to the beat of the dancing footsteps coming from above - i don't know what happened to her - she vanished - i remember taking a day off work and lining up all these songs and all these albums that she could strip tease to for me next time, but there never was a next time and i never saw her again - i didn't speak to anyone for almost two weeks - until i went downstairs for more booze and weed

i sat in the city library for five days straight - i read eleven of what i consider to be the most important books and written words produced by man-kind - im a slow reader - i didn't have to talk to anyone the whole five days i was there - i didn't have to eat either - i drank from the water fountain and pissed in the toilets - i've never really taken to eating - it doesn't bother me - i could starve to death no even realise what had happened - one of the books i read talked about the importance of death in life, and how it's ridiculous to pretend it's not going to happen - i would talk to more people and meet more new people if it was socially acceptable to talk about death all the time - but it's not, so i don't - i just spend my time reading about it, starving myself, and watching the world pass me by one day at a time

i begun losing touch when everything seemed to become so cheap - i sort some kind of security, just so i would have one less thing to worry about - but once i reached that point, i realised i lived in a world where i could get anything i wanted whenever i wanted it - i lived a dangerous life of keeping my life as simple as possible while surrounded by luxurious people and places - my thoughts remained complex - my fears remained realistic - my dreams remained routine, while slightly sexual - my days were broken up between consumptions - i feared life, and anticipated death - i took the train home, and hung back - hung cool - having done what id had to do with the day

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Art Intimidating Life - The Ruins of my Mental Empire: Part Eighty-Three



i take it slow and move down the fashion conscious streets of my home town - sunglasses keep barrier of distance and shade between me, and everything i see - everyone i see - each passer-by reveals another passer-by - a continual flow of people i'll never know just moving around - are they walking as aimlessly as i am? - can so many people really have that many things to do? - the weather is nice so i stop by the side of the street and order a seven-dollar fruit smoothie that tastes like shit, but the girl who served me was a cutie so i consider it a win-win situation - i bought the smoothie that had the least-ridiculous name - maybe that's why.

i stand on the corner and watch some more - i enjoy the confusion life causes me - i never want to get used to this life - i want to look at that girl stopped at a red light in her car, and see a girl in a metal box, run by a motor of little bits and pieces, and imagine the amount of trust she's putting into all those little bits and pieces to work together - to work together to save her life at every red-light - i want to see the absurdity of human beings, as intelligent beings, relying on coloured lights to tell them what to do - on hoards and hoards of people following the clock like a god, but forgetting that it's the sun that is our god, and we rely on a natural phenomenon to occur each and every day in order for normality to keep us sane - i want to look at women wearing high-heels and think to myself "what the fuck are you doing?" - i want to look at chairs and think about how much of a cool fucking invention they are - how can you be unhappy when sitting in a chair?

yeah, that's life - yeah, they're thoughts - i can't stop it and i can't stop them and i can't stop it confusing everyone else around me - some people get it, most don't - but at the same time, most don't care either - wearing my cowboy hat on the train home last night reminded me of this

walking home i took some thoughts - warm sunny summer afternoon, enough drain a thirst out of me - bag over one shoulder - got some books and some cds - the woman in that accountant's office is staring at me - i glance back and she's back to work - i come to the realisation that throughout my whole life, i have always had this built in trust and assurance that everything is going to be alright - that i can do anything and say anything, and everything will always work out - eventually, at least - and it does - im a pessimistic, sure - but that's only about the superficial and petty things we do with our lives - with the absurd and ridiculous things we think are important - im pessimistic and sarcastic about those things - everything else, i know will be good'n'cool in the end - i've always had this in me - always-  and so far it's paid off and is working - i just don't know who to thank - the things i dream about doing, i end up doing in time - and i do give it time - maybe that's the trick - don't push things - don't rush things - just allow it, and sit back in your chair

i fail at times and they're the times i don't know what's going wrong - what is it that i cannot fix? - the heavy burden of a neutral life on the wondering thinker - it only takes time before something happens that breaks through that nasty-silent-grey-normality - sometimes it's a song - sometimes it's a lithuanian sunset - today it was a great time over a nine kilometer run - my best - and as soon as i realised i'd run my fastest time, i knew i had the universe and my cosmic-worryless-gift  to thank, and apologise to

keep the faith, by never forgetting how tiny and insignificant our lives are in comparison to this world, this galaxy and this universe - it's incomprehensible, but the more you try, the more you realise we have nothing to worry about - seventy odd years out of billions and billions past, and billions and billions to come