Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Art Intimidating Life: The Ruins of My Mental Empire - Part Forty-Five

i wouldn't normally spend this much
someone invited me somewhere
i went along with it
i had to distract myself
from the rest of them
sure, where is it then?
we met outside the theatre
she was wearing a big
thick black coat
do you like it?
my father gave it to me
yeah, it's good
she was drinking a coffee
telling me about her day
her job
how she'd met some really
- interesting guy -
and how happy she was
to see me
they sell drinks here?
i noticed a bar
just inside
she offered me a cigarette
i declined
i'll get a beer
and come out and join you
you can't take alcohol outside the venue
they said
looks like they're trying to keep us apart
smokers outside
drinkers inside
don't worry
we'll get a drink
at the interval
i pulled out my hip-flask
winked
and told her
that was a great idea

the show was pretty
pathetic
i spent most of it
imagining one of the ushers
completely and totally
naked
- but still standing there
with a torch, walking late comers
to their seats
she was attractive
she looked like someone
i'd probably seen on a train
once or twice
the highlight of the show
was during the interval
she went out for a smoke
and i said
nah, i'll just stay here
don't worry about me
while she was gone
i tried to read the program
over the shoulder
of the middle aged woman
sitting in front of me
she had hair like cauliflower
and smelt like a dentists
waiting room
anyway, when she returned
she had snuck a beer
back to the seats
and handed it too me
with a wink
i felt so lucky
to be
so needlessly lucky
i drunk the beer
in full view of
the naked usher
but she pretended
not to notice me

what did you think?
she asked me
like i was a six year old
on christmas morning
it was good
i replied
as the rest of the theatre crowd
mingled around us
asking each other
what did you think?
i thought i saw
my old english teacher
from highschool
im pretty sure
she saw me too
and noticed
but we both pretended
we didn't
much easier that way
so come on
she playfully slapped me on the shoulder
lets go get a coffee or something
i want you to tell me
about that documentary
you saw the other night
i told her no
i didn't really want to
i don't really do those things
i just see things
and let them be
that it has
such a greater affect
when you just let
- art
simply be art
and leave all the
discussions
and coffee
to those who
want that image
- but i know a place
she said
it's great
you'll love it
they play your type of music
and the coffee is great

i kissed her
on the cheek
she was a good soul
and meant no harm
i left her
by the wafting warm
doorways of the theater
and walked deeper
into the cold city
- there was this bar
that everyone knows
i go to
by myself
to read
and think
and be anonymous
it's open late
i walked in
and saw
the same girl
behind the bar
who is always
behind the bar
she smiled and i sat
at the bar
i ordered a beer
as though i were
giving her a tedious job
to do
she smiled again
poured it
and gave me a discount

the bar was empty
but being quite well known
to the local university students
at any moment
it could explode
into a room full
of drunken youths
wearing whatever
costume
is funny to them
this year
i sipped my beer
and wrote
some thoughts
in my notebook
i pulled out
a book to read
but an obscure
and favourite
song of mine
came on
throughout the bar
as it always
coincidentally
seems to do
when im alone
- this distracted me
from the book
i was reading
so i put it down
and ordered
another beer

by my third
a man walked into
the still empty
bar -
he wore a
light brown suit
maybe just little
too small for him
maybe
underneath it
a darker brown
woolen vest
perhaps homemade
perhaps im being
romantic
he carried a
red rain coat
if they'd forecast
rain
i wouldn't of had a clue
- balding, fifty
or sixty
years old
he wore a
messy, unkempt beard
he sat down
around the bend
in the bar
on the other side
the girl
asked him what he'd like
and he order some kind of
spirit drink
i'd never drink
he took a sip
and took out
a newspaper
beginning to work
on the crossword puzzle
an aura of
silence
and wisdom
orbited this old man
as he sipped his drink
and worked
the crossword puzzle
in his old brown suit
and woolen brown vest
and cheap red raincoat
on the chair next to him
we were both alone
in this shitty bar
the two of us with
the girl behind the bar
we drunk in silence
surrounded by the
mostly
pathetic music
that played through
the speakers

i felt the most
intense -
the most heartfelt
and sincere
honest
sadness
i'd ever felt
in my
stupid little life
and i felt
this complete
realised misery
for belonging
to my
wasted
generation

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Art Intimidating Life: The Ruins of My Mental Empire - Part Forty-Four

the purple velvet bubble catches me when my time comes to fall asleep - and then later it bounces me back to my feet when the times comes for me to return and wake up - not a waterfall, but something of a fog-fall - a fog-down to ease me back into this world - scented cinnamon and vanilla - im high but safe - the natural highs of forgotten drugs - dreams that happily confuse and convolute the thoughts that drizzle down like shooting cartoon stars each day we're alive - the wind whispering warm like a highschool sweetheart as youre hugged and welcomed by a familiar group of friendly people - they mean no harm - they're understanding and allowing, and if the truth really be told, they don't care about anything at all - its just wave after wave of rain, hail and shine - of misery, madness and divine bliss - there is an infectious acceptance of all these things, and you succumb and learn about their ways - it's like, all roads are quiet, country roads - and they're there to be taken - but the journey lies completely within the individual - the path is the same for all of us, but it's your completely unique, realised perception that makes it worthwhile - and it's worth your while to rest in the grass that pillows somewhere between the gentle warm sun and the soft ground below - you drift into relaxation, giving a small feather a whistle of air to keep it drifting, floating and twirling in the unimaginable chaos of pure existence - you'll hear music drift in and out of your consciousness, content in the knowledge that even during the times you can't hear it, someone somewhere can, and that someday it'll be your turn once again to melt yourself backwards into the music that reads your soul that sings for an eternity like an endless purple sunset dissipating into a fine dust, orbiting your head and body with faith, trust and a complete connection with the universe that is at one

Monday, July 25, 2011

Art Intimidating Life: The Ruins of My Mental Empire - Part Forty-Three



the chimneys pumped their steam - the warm rain dissipated into a hot blanket of fog and at 7am it was time for me to go to work - i had showered the previous night's stench and regrets away and gotten dressed into my clothes - by the time i'd walked to the train station, my hair was wet and messy, i had stained myself with sweat, and i'd already eaten my lunch

i stood in a puddle of water and oil, waiting the four minutes for the train to arrive - i only had three more pages left of the book i was reading, but i wanted to save it until the train to arrived – so instead i just looked blankly at a random page, pretending to read, and minding my own business

everyone scrambled like life and death when the train pulled up at the platform - me, i stood back and waited till the crowds did what instinct told them and pushed and shoved themselves onto the carriage - if i was late for work, i didn't mind too much, but in the end there was enough room for me to slip on-board at the last moment - the doors closed and the slow tugging momentum of the train begun to build

since i've live alone for such a long time, i'd learned to enjoy watching and observing people - sitting with a beer or coffee somewhere by myself, sitting and watching the people move, walk, interact and live pointless little moments in their lives that will most likely be forgotten and not even recognised by anyone - not themselves, not those around them - but just me - a little no-body drinking a beer with a pen and paper

in front of me stood a middle aged woman with cement hair and thick woolen scarf - i could never understand how women could always look good in such drenched weather - in front of her stood a business man in a boring old suit - he carried a newspaper in his hands, the sports section - he was balding but had the type of face a bald head would suit - i caught him looking down the woman's top - for a middle aged woman she wasn't very attractive - but given the opportunity, i guess he couldn't help himself - what else was there to do?

the carriage was full of all different types of insect-like people going to work and squirming and mingling like a soggy ants nest - i held my breath for as long as possible - i noticed a young girl sitting a few heads to my left - an adorable twenty-something with light brown hair tied back in high pony tail - her face something of an insane beauty, something almost cruel and dangerous - something that almost makes you wish you weren't a man because the task involving yourself in the life of someone so beautiful is too much to bare - too much to ask - what's the point anymore?! - her cheeks, lips, eyes and nose, all so perfect, and to my mind that morning she seemed to be the sole reason for all faces, for all human beings - she must've been - she wore black tights and a pink tank top, exercise clothes and looked as though she was about to go for a jog or go to a gym - at a safe enough distance i continued to stare, and started to breathe again

she was looking through her small backpack and i dodged and moved my head in an attempt to keep view of her in the crowded carriage - over the shoulders of a couple of beardless gnomes, i saw her pull out some nail polish and begin painting her nails hot-pink, matching the singlet she wore - an instinctive wave of disappointment crashed inside of me - what i was seeing made no sense to me - someone so perfectly attractive, dressed to exercise and better themselves and maintain a fit and healthy life chose to spend this wasted time painting their nails pink - i hated her for doing this to me - i begun to hyperventilate, hiding her from my eyes i stared at my feet and closed my eyes - why was she doing this? – why was she doing this?

i swallowed and swallowed - hot syrupy saliva built up in my mouth and the train now seemed to be tugged along in slow, slow motion - i counted the seconds until the train was due to pull up at the next station and with every essence of being i had, i willed myself not to vomit on the crowded train

as the doors slid open i dashed away from the convoluted mesh of corporate flesh-beings and stumbled my distance onto the train platform - i found myself a little corner, bent over and begun to vomit - flowing easy, my lunch saw the dim-light of day much earlier than expected - there was probably about three or four bouts of retching and puke before the crowded train eventually slowly pulled away, leaving me alone standing in a puddle of my own vomit and acid rain

and so now what?, i thought to myself - the past was behind me and there was something about standing in a small pool of my own vomit that reassured me that i couldn’t do anything with my life - i was at low and had nothing and no-one around that meant anything to me - taking one last spit, i then took a deep breath and faced the sky above - nothing but a deep endless grey upon grey - the monumental chimneys spread forever in all directions, and spiked the sky, defying nature

after some moments of person reflection, and the realisation that my life was now meaningless and no-ones, i took some notice of the train-timetables posted on the station wall - there was a train due soon that would be heading out east, far east - i knew there was a beach out there somewhere, but never took the time to find out - i made the decision to take this train as far east as i could, and see where east took me

the train was empty - just me and a few copies of yesterday's newspaper - i read them, again - i attempted their crossword puzzles and their many sudokus - looking out the window, i noticed the chimneys became fewer and more sparse - i saw space for the first time since i was a unemployed, workless child - the concrete became sandy and very soon the sandy concrete became nothing but sand - endless sand - endless sand as though the hourglass for all existence had given up, picked up a hammer and killed itself

looking out the window, i tried to pull some inspiration from my experience and write some haiku - it was pointless, as they were all terrible

an hour, maybe two had passed when the train finally came to a halt and a voice from above said we'd come to the end of the line - i must of dozed off as i felt drugged - the sun was shining and i didn't know what that meant anymore - i wondered if what i was doing was wrong - i collected myself and stood up, leaving a few pages of bad poetry behind me - outside the wind blew warm and the sand moved with it - i saw a dirt road stemming not far from the station and begun to take it - walking alone with no intent, no meaning - lost and confused - taking a road

an hour into the sand i heard a car driving down the road behind me - i stopped and turn and heard it honked it's horn playfully - as it pulled up i saw a middle aged man smiling at me - he looked like aging athlete - he looked like he'd had some success in his time - but that time was gone now and that time had passed - he smoked a cigarette and that suited him - "how are you?" he yelled, beyond the wind that whipped me
"yeah, im okay" i replied
"how about a lift? - this ain't no place for no lonesome traveller - jump in brother"
i took at look around the surroundings - sand and dust and wind and sunshine - the endless void on the outskirts of man-made madness
"you reckon? where you going?"
he laughed like drunk child and shook his head
"it's about not where im going brother, it's where im leaving"
"and where are you leaving?"
"well if you hang around here, you'll find out soon enough - you'll find out why as well - up to you brother"
i nodded, and opened the passenger side door - inside the car smelt like air conditioning and cigarettes - the man accelerated fast and we took off down the road - the radio was on but stuck half way between a talk-back program and static - every bump in the road made it more static that talk-back
"nice ride you have"
"thanks man" he said, "smooth and lazy, like a drunken honeymoon"
it was at this time i noticed the gun on the dashboard, vibrating with the sound of travel – what a strange man this is, i thought to myself

“I’m not married myself – but I could do with a drink” I told him
“there’s a bottle of scotch on the back seat”
I turned around and lying on top of a pile of dusty old clothes was an empty bottle of my favourite brand of scotch
“thanks for that – classy”
He laughed again, not taking his eyes off the dirt road ahead and accelerating faster like a nightmare-rewind
“you ain’t got the tippy-tippy!” he suddenly yelled, sounding as though he were a child about to burst with excitement - his tongue spitting out the strange words and his eyes exploding into mine - “you ain’t got the tippy-tippy!"
"what are you... drive properly!"
the car was now shredding itself through the sand and dirt like a chainsaw through flesh - he could barely keep control - i didn't know what frightened me more; the ease in which he succumbed into this madness, or the car violently losing the control of it's driver
"tippy-tippy! you ain't got the tippy-tippy!"

my hands glued sweat and panic on the dashboard, squeezing out pleas of "stop" and "slow down" between my clenched teeth as i braced myself for the inevitable crash
"tippy-tippy! hahaha!"
shielding my eyes from the red sun that burnt like a mellow-hell on the horizon, i caught sight of the empty bottle of scotch being juggled in the back seat by the bumps and grinds of our chaotic descent into god knows where - despite the force and thrashing the car now had on my actions, i threw one arm behind me in the hope of somehow catching the bouncing bottle
"you ain't got the tippy-tippy!!" - his voice now roaring like a demon which somehow changed his face into something much less-than-human

the bottle tickled my finger-tips a number times - "come ooooon!" i screamed, desperate to grab hold of it - i twisted my body around - my face pressed against the seat like i was a child in a mother's arms, tears of fear welling in my eyes - with both arms stretched out to the back seat, the car bucked hard over a bump in the road - we were both sent airborne for what felt like a couple of seconds - upon landing the bottle clapped hard into my palm - and in one swift movement i swung the bottle like an axe into the back of his head - shards of glass seemingly floating in space after the all encompassing thawunk of the thick scotch bottle crashed over the back of his head

his head dropped - as streams of blood slowly webbed down the back of his neck, he let out a monstrous groan - moaning like a mourning mother - weak and on the verge of blacking out, he tried his best to keep his hands on the wheel - he begun to take short sharp breaths to a steady fast beat - "slow us down!" i shouted, trying to break through his madness, and his head injuries - "stop us!" - his moaning was enough to keep inmates awake at night - his madness spilling out of him in short sharps breaths and now a steady stream of blood from the back of his head

i picked the gun up off the dashboard, and pointed it at the side of his head - pushing it against the soft patch of his temple - slowly he turned his head to look at me – his eyes looked dead already, but the fast steady breaths he took kept him alive somehow - until i pulled the trigger - and shot him in the forehead

blood sprayed over my face and chucked onto the window behind him - he was pushed back against the driver's side door like a manikin with an eerie death-smile upon his face - i don't know how it got there - before or after i pulled the trigger? - i dropped the gun to the floor and quickly took control of the steering wheel - i steadied us - i put us back on the dirt road and kept us straight - however there was nothing i could do to get his foot off the accelerator - his foot was jammed and locked down flat - so we continued to speed through the sand and dust - i had no idea which direction we were heading in - all i could do was steer us along the dirt road and hope that maybe someday, the chimneys will slowly rise up over the endless sand horizon, and hope that there was at least one more bullet left in the gun riding the bumps and grinds at my feet

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Art Intimidating Life: The Ruins of My Mental Empire - Part Forty-Two



walking with poetry
music fills my head
- and it starts to rain

walking alone -
the suburban winter,
every house is haunted

standing in the rain
in the courtyard he smokes
in slow motion

my horoscope was wrong today
the lonesome tradesman
works in the rain

the city lights blur
out of no-where -
the storm

so lonesome
- my best friend
has a girlfriend now

we all lie
to maintain the charade
of everyday life

car to restaurant
- his newspaper
an umbrella

making eye contact
with strangers -
we remember the few

a smile, we say hello
- and goodbye
when we die

good food and wine,
i dine with my friends
salt and pepper

sunset clouds
hover over the city
like sleep and dreams

the piano man plays,
the drunk man drinks
- they both need to piss

at the jazz bar
his mind fizzles
like a thursday

dim light-bulb
you light up melbourne
and her artists

the stolen pen
comes in handy
for this haiku

young men drinking,
at that table there
- here i am

tonight's sunset
is mine - tomorrow
it's all yours

standing on the corner
drinking a beer
- leave him be

this miserable night
- another sad song
i'll never forget

drifting through life
he dodges all -
love and hate

at the jazz bar
his mind fizzles
like a match-book

at the jazz bar
he drinks and thinks
like molten lava

at the jazz bar
no one knows -
contemplating suicide

lightening flash!
- high above
the daily commute

dull light bulb
- no need to write,
you are art!

dull light bulb
- you make every night
sunday night

dull light bulb
- it's just you
and me

drinking alone
- nobody
fucks with him

will you marry me?
his t-shirt reads;
just do it

home alone
- drinking
how will i be remembered?

she smiles
- a green light
on a bad day, home

salt and pepper,
the menu and i
shall dine tonight!

so lonesome
and beautiful -
i don't say a thing

lonesome bush trail,
he dies alone at dusk
- we all die alone

two strangers
sit and drink
in silence

so beautiful -
she waves hello
and goodbye

his gun points
at my head -
what have i done?

contemplating suicide
- my life is pretty good
right now

he walks home
-surely somewhere
the harmonica plays

Monday, July 18, 2011

Art Intimidating Life: The Ruins of My Mental Empire - Part Forty-One


never mind me, talk amongst yourself - it's only the two of us here, and you've got a mobile phone to attend to - never mind, i came here to be alone - your lounge room littered with cliches - life imitating soap-operas - your transparent life that moves amongst the shallow light of camp-fire sing-a-longs, of friends with no idea sharing their shallow thoughts to fill your gaping hole with a pat on the back - it's really good - when sincerity is a novelty, something of a surprise, i back away and linger in the corner and let those who need to speak, speak - and those who need to speak back, speak back - advertised art fizzling out like a hot-box of matches - i planted a seedling and told no-body - the rest, the anonymous screens of millions behind self-appointed nicknames spitting their well-thought thoughts to anyone who will read and move on to their own selfish, pathetic grab for recognition - a generation of anonymous lovers making love to themselves - in their own little head-space, via organic nature of robocop, ignoring the world around them but clawing at each other in a desperate attempt to be seen - to be first - to have been there - to have the right interests - to make something out of the pure-nature of what the pure-souls found with dignity! - with purpose and care! - with a pure intent - not to be made into someone everyone can see and access with the click of a button from your pants - the sickness and silent stare from the corner, where im shoved aside as the world make advertisements of my friends and those around me - where the best things in life are shared without the world knowing about them - the best days of my life unknown to a soul but mine that of my god alone - my thoughts being mine, my opinions being mine - you don't change the world with opinions - you change the world with the rhythms that come as a result of your own personal opinions, if your ever lucky to find any that come filtered from your subconscious thoughts and movements - allow yourself to be alone - allow yourself to feel as sad miserable as this world makes you - but they dont - everybody is searching for a solution as to why they aren't living the life they want to live - searching for a way to cure this beautiful eternal sadness that is this world and that comes from all art and purity and divinity - i picture the earth, it's white and light blue marble twirls, drifting alone in space - all it's achievements - and mistakes - it's old age and it's naive youth in comparison to it's older sun and stars and brothers and sisters - and it's a perfect example of a beautiful, perfect, sadness - this world, the greatest work of art being mankind itself, doomed from the day it was born just like every single little contributor and collaborator, and artist who played their role - it's beautiful and it's sad, and it's nothing to be afraid of - just like your whole life, every little problem you have and will ever have, will one day be completely forgotten - everyone you know will be gone and forgotten, blah blah blah - they'll be shunned into the corner so those who still think their lives, thoughts, opinions and art actually mean anything in the split second it takes their lives to come and go - those still running from their fear of sadness pretend to be happy without ever knowing why - movies seen and books read as though they were weapons against those who haven't - as opposed to a quiet suggestion to those who, just might, be interested - to understand that not everyone who needs my opinion needs yours - to understand that your trip can never be anyone elses and your confusion as to why they're not buying the ticket is your downfall until you realise that all this is simply for yourself - it's not yours to push and provoke onto others - it's not yours to push onto others so that you can feel like god - so that you can feel like the writer, the director, the painter - it's not yours so that you can feel like the first - to say you were there means nothing if you didn't know why - i sink back into the corner, pushed aside by the best minds of my generation who have turned themselves into wankers, loving themselves and turning their lives into little one-line commercials advertising their post-art lives to the anonymous electrodes despite the fact i've come here in person to visit and talk to them - to live this life by myself and with the people i find and see around me - i do this before i die, so that when i will, i'll have at the very least, lived my life and shared it with those who have lived theirs - those not so preoccupied in a feeble attempt to have everything remembered, and to have themselves known by strangers - to have it known by the absent who are mostly likely too busy living theirs, or replicating their own commercials and having them also sent back like two parallel worlds competing for their own implosions

Friday, July 15, 2011

Art Intimidating Life: The Ruins of My Mental Empire - Part Forty


my country, australia
- a dry place
on earth

thoughts of a friend
so far from home -
home alone

so happy here
drunk alone
- as she sleeps

the fog moves inside
we laugh as we cook
- dinner will be late

my attention drfits
- the dawn fog outside
his highrise apartment

where are my friends?
alone drunk on wine - but
they probably see arse

how can i explain,
we are natural? -
the sun also rises

the big bang
fifty meter television
then death

happy, sad and lonely
- cold beer in melbourne,
crowded with stagger lee

waiting for a taxi home
- she uses her sex
to try and get home

insecurities, painting
hides my need to
- alone with a bottle

drunk men in cars -
she gives reasons
to come home with me

a city is a drunk
- he sleeps at dusk
and i drink at dawn

my friend drinks alone
- may he be alone here
and joyous as i!

burping on the couch,
his team wins -
he's such a nice guy though?

dreaming of death
waking up with dread
- i can't sleep just now

merry on the couch
wanting to sleep -
we sway like drunks

death is not the end
- so what am i doing
alone at one forty eight?

the tree of life grew
- he pisses - bacon
and eggs for the couple

my life -
patti smith.
our life.

a frightening nght!
- thank god our memories
are black and white

how i wish to see
the big bang!
- how much is this milk?

how many diseases
till i find the strength
to hug my brother?

im not afraid!
- to be alone here
and an artist!

the television
- i've been there
but i'm here

art!
- you're not alone -
just you and me!

a reason to cry
- you guide
my silly life

tomorrow, a sunrise
at least now -
something to do!

when they're asleep
- they're never alone
in the lounge room

pigeons wake us up
- homeless feed them,
but we all die.

tomorrow - me and earth
so depressed -
who will win?