Art Intimidating Life - The Ruins of my Mental Empire: Part Sixty-Eight

i found a lucky charm - i put it in my pocket and went to work - after that, i went home and cooked dinner and watched television and fell asleep on the couch - i woke up on at couch at around 10.30pm, and by that time it was time to go to bed - so i brushed my teeth and rinsed with mouthwash and changed into a t-shirt i don't care about too much and slipped into bed and dreamt dull dreams i'll tell my friends about tomorrow - i woke up after a light sleep and got dressed for work and tipped my cap and walked out the door

my lucky charm? - oh, i left that in my other pants - and since i'd worn them once i washed them the next day and in doing so destroyed the lucky charm - yep, some people have said to me that it could've changed my life and had some good influences on how i live it - but, these things happen - and everything happens for a reason, right?

***

pressing - warped and melting - there is good reason the human mind cannot comprehend how completely insignificant we are every-waking hour - the human mind can only handle it in bursts - i don't claim to know the meaning of life, but i claim to have come within it's reach once or twice - i now know that's it's out of my control to fully comprehend it, but maybe my work done in my designated seventy-ish years will one day contribute to the most beautiful day in human existence - the day we realise we're not alone - or the day we realise not just why, but how we're here - i dream of that day and imagine being around to witness it from some perspective - i imagine sitting down at a bar at six pee-em on a friday winter evening - weeks after my birthday - seeing some friends and sharing whatever news we had - i'd try and call lady-elle but the mobiles wouldn't be working - the bar staff would let me use the land-line and i'd somehow get through to her - she'd somehow know that everyone we know is okay and safe - her family, my family, our friends - all safe and well, despite the chaos of general public - and she'd be alright as well - but i wouldn't have to ask

we'd order drinks, sheepishly - wondering if we should, and telling ourselves we want to keep a clear head for this complete moment of earth history - insignificant beyond pluto - but without a doubt we'd all be in a good mood - we'd all be laughing anyway - you can be dying and be in a good mood - and thank god - as that's just how the earth will be, when we realise we're not alone

***

the invisible tear of the pathetic man staring at the school-girl on my rainy-morning train this morning - i look to her ipod and nod to myself - i look to him and shake my head ever so slightly - slightly enough i may not have shook my head at all - but enough for him to think that some strange guy in a black jacket with long hair and a beard in fingerless gloves reading some tattered pages just may have caught him out doing something his mind will take to the circus

live in the now - so they say - but fuck, it's hard - im not going to say it's impossible, but give me a week on earth and i'll give you only one moment i clearly see my life in the moment - that being; my life right here, right now, what im seeing, what im hearing, thinking and all that with the anticipation of what is most likely going to come next, right now - i feel lucky i have the ability to allow myself realisation like this as often as possible - i wonder how common they are - i wonder how common they are when im buying salami from the deli at the supermarket - i wonder how common they are when im waiting at the pedestrian crossing at swanston street and fuck knows - i wonder about how many people have thought about marilyn monroe's vagina - millions probably - millions billions of times - and that's the sort of shit that give me an invisible tear this rainy morning

Art Intimidating Life - The Ruins of my Mental Empire: Part Sixty-Seven

 

im writing at a desk, for once - i have a desk - simple, with a lava lamp to my left - my cds to my arse, and a cd player to the back of my head - to my right is the greatest photo i have ever taken; one of lady-elle smiling infinitely at a local footy match that our apparent team somehow won and somehow ive captured my view of beauty in one drunken saturday afternoon photo - in front of me is a giant jimmy dean walking down times-sqaure, a squares places ive spent time twice and been puked by the advertising jimmy dean has morphed into - there's symbolism though - i also have a photo of marilyn monroe, days before she died - just because she looks like a goddess in the sense she knows-all - and fuck, she knew a bit- i used to joke about having the chance to film a sex scene between james dean and marilyn monroe - but i think they'd just cuddle - maybe smoke a few

along with jimmy and marilyn, i have a photo of warren ellis in a cool bad seed suit about to cross the road with a non-sassy sexy looking dress-wearin lady-down-walkin right-by behind him strut - not only is that something i'd love to put into words, it's something i try to live by - i want to be oblivious to fucking everything, but know it all - so far, i know it all

i also have a letter  - im not even going to smoke it - all letters should be smoked - kids these days dont know what they're missing out on - music especially - im about to turn thirty, and im so glad i dont have the music taste of a twenty year old from ten years ago - i also have the age behind friendship - i finally have the wisdom i craved for twenty years, and i yearn for the wisdom of another twenty - that's something not everyone has, or yearns for


i'll say it again, i've spent the most of my twenties thinking about death - i've said it before, but i spent the most of my teens thinking about death - i've said it before, but i spent most of my childhood wondering how to spend this thought that pushes me through life and confuses me with sunsets and sadness and late-nights and friendships - how to find balance in a psychological nuclear war, not to mention day-to-day misery



my life makes more sense to me the closer i am to death - my only concern is how clear life seems to me at thirty

Art Intimidating Life - The Ruins of my Mental Empire: Part Sixty-Six

after a day of whipping myself through the routine i say to myself i have to do more with my nights - i can't keep watching vhs copies of titanic, for example - and so when i was supposed to turn left, i turned right - at that easy moment i felt the curvature of spontaneity wave slowly in my favour - i found myself sitting at a table i'd sat at before, sipping a beer on the rooftop, writing things like:

men fantasise
women tantalise

laughing to yourself
is a true sign
that you're truly happy

i see jazz
when i see
shade and sunlight dance

i see jazz
when i see
someone bum a smoke

i see jazz
when i see
someone nod, instead of saying hello

i see jazz
when i see
bad traffic on a friday night

i see jazz
when i see
a clock tower at 3am

i see jazz
when i see
couples in love, diggin' jazz

i see jazz
when i see
things flowin'

i see jazz
when i see
people at ease

i see jazz
when i see
happy drunks

i see jazz
when i see
laughter from a candle-lit room

i see jazz
when i see
birds singing at crazy-dusk

i see jazz
when i see
that sun do nothing but set!

i see jazz
when i see
people drinking under dark red lights

i see jazz
when i see
leather jackets crowd a dark room

i see jazz
when i see
a man a bar alone with a great big smile on his face

i see jazz
when i see
a storm in a wine glass

i see jazz
when i see
lightening in a cocktail glass

i see jazz
when i see
women

i see jazz
when i see
someone dancing barefoot

i see jazz
when i see
stools - instead of seats or chairs

i see jazz
when i see
smoke drifting