i see myself, lying in bed, having woken up half an hour ago - my mind, returning home, after another 6 or 7 hours wondering the cosmos, testing the waters - preparing my inevitable spiritualism - i guess i just have a few more days to wonder through, to think myself through like a daily conundrum - each day is one step closer to the realisation, and the truth that lies behind our day to day life, our self-importance, and our consciousness
frustrated and saddened, really - each day i can clearly see that i truly wasn't made for these times - like something has gone wrong - im an alien living in an alienated society, but something's not right - all that i love changes and all that i love about those things are destroyed to make things simpler - technology is king, and forces everything from history, quality and logic to step aside - and im weird, crazy, and an outsider because i choose to shun and i crack the whip screaming "get behind!"
it's the beautiful and cheerful sadness that keeps me going - some people call it love-sickness, i call it life - the tiny acts of good, friendship, kindness and humility that mean nothing, and rarely go noticed, but it's those things that keep the whole shit-house standing - that keeps the dirt-farm muddy - that allows us to sleep soundly - that keeps the wolves inside each and everyone of us, warm, fed and cosy
The National- Heavenfaced from Jess S on Vimeo.
my wolves are mellow - well trained - hard drinkers too - when confronted with the frustrations and absurdity of daily life, they take notes - they keep their distance and watch from the corner - watch from the rooftops as storm clouds intermingle above - they refuse to associate and they keep their patience - this is the situation, and here i am lost within it - so what?
running has become one of my great loves in life - a solo pursuit, with nothing and no one to praise or blame but myself - it's me against the world, and i take on the physical and goddamn mental challenges that running long distances throw, pound, and whip you with, and i never give up - i run by the daisy-chains of expensive cars stuck in traffic jams or getting themselves into accidents and anger - i run by people sitting at bus and tram stops, with their heads bowed to their phones doing things i couldn't care less about - they have time to waste, so they text their friends - i run by the houses cooking indian food and i laugh to the indian gods for taunting me in such a cool, fun and friendly way - i run by the houses who have a woodfire burning, as it's dark and cold outside, and run hard fuelled by the thoughts of gas-fire-places and how they take precedence these days - i run through the parks at night, watched by the nocturnal animals who never scutter away, but sit curiously- they're not afraid, and it seems they know exactly what it is they're witnessing - a man taking on the limits of the world around him, fuelled by a world so self sure, poisoned by popularity, and blinded by the screens in front of them
sad music shares my burden - true, sad music, and sadness isn't depression - sadness is something beautiful, and truthful - some call them happy-tears - i feel a sense of love when i hear a true sad song - that unspeakable truth, that connects you - some call it duende - and it is the true fuel for my life so far, and it keeps me here each and every day i have left to wander, meander and think my way through this strange life on this beautiful and absurd planet
and then when night time comes, it's just me and the stars, and i go to bed real late - im left tired and sore, having run as far and fast as i can, mellow and thoughtful - i play my sad music and let it soup over me like warm jelly - it feels like im not alone, but i am - the best of both worlds - loved, hated, forgotten, i have it all - i think about my spot, sitting there in my chair - the lights dimmed, a blanket to keep me warm - there i am, sitting in a chair, in a lounge room, in a small house, in the eastern suburbs of one city, in one country, in one small corner of this tiny marble-eye floating in an endless black void - all those stars mean something, you know - they are actually out there shining, burning in a universe so vast, the human mind will never be able to full comprehend it's magnitude - and that suits me just fine - it keeps me patient, inspired, and it helps put things into perspective - and that perspective puts a smile on my face as i lie down to go to sleep, deeply, returning home
