Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Art Intimidating Life - The Ruins of my Mental Empire: Part One Hundred and Nineteen



i sat on a train opposite an elderly lady - she was in her mid-sixties i guess - she had one of those trolleys elderly ladies use - they don’t make them like they used to - or at all…

it was over 35 degrees outside - one of those days where the weather binds us all and brings everyone with one common endeavour - enduring the heat

i let the air-conditioned carriage slowly cool me, but still felt the dirty aura of the summer’s day around me - scanning the carriage behind black sunglasses, i soon realised the elderly lady wasn’t patting sweat off her face with a tissue, but invisible tears, as she was crying subtly, and silently

my first thought was that it never ends - sadness follows us to the final years and final days of our lives

i wanted to try and help - i thought about myself, and wondered if i was a good person or not - was i part of the problem, part of the solutions, or just a dirty empty can getting kicked around by those playing the game

i sat for a while doing nothing but sipping on a coke-zero and listening to music on my ipod - i noticed one or two other people saw that she was crying, though most people didn’t - i wondered if the other one or two and i were just waiting for each other to do something - who would be best equipped to ask whether this lady was okay? - each second that past by made me feel more and more a part of the problem, and less like the dirty empty can

as the train came to my stop, i pulled out my headphones and stood by the door next to where she sat and asked “are you okay?”

she didn’t say anything for a second, making me think i was going to have to raise my voice, until nodding and mouthing the words “thank you”
i asked “do you need anything?”
she kept her original nod going, mouthing the words “thank you”, in a way that actually meant no, i don’t

i got off the train at my stop - i don’t know what i would’ve done if she had said yes - i had a movie to catch - but i hope i was of some comfort to her - some kind of discrete, subtle comfort for her discrete subtle tears and sadness

i saw “paterson”, the latest film by jim jarmusch - i love his movies - it was showing in a small cinema at the kino in the city - the 35 degree heat had found its way inside with an almost sold out show

an elderly man found a seat next to me - we were both alone after a single seat - i opened a bottle of cider with the bottle opener key-ring on my keys, and the movie began

it ended up being one of the best movies i’ve ever seen in my life - i really loved it - the old man and i laughed quite a bit during what is a cheerful and sad film - though everything he laughed i got blasted with his deathly bad breath - in all fairness, he probably copped a blasting from my booze stained laughs also - i had had around three by this stage

as the credits rolled a woman sitting to the other side of me jumped to leave as quickly as possible leaving her crumbs and demolished pop-corn box behind - the others in the cinema soon followed - leaving the elderly man and i sitting next to each other, together in an otherwise empty cinema, watching the credits roll

it felt nice knowing we had both enjoyed the film - and that we’d both come to see it alone

after taking a piss i left the cinema - the 35 degrees had shifted to a comfortable twenty-something - i walked outside into the aftermath of what i would later learn was a flash-flooding summer down-pour

i got that feeling i used to get every time i left the cinemas - a warm, quiet calm, that makes everything outside look new, amazing, interesting and inspired


i was now somewhere in another world that wasn't a movie