Art Intimidating Life: The Ruins of My Mental Empire - Part Forty-Five

i wouldn't normally spend this much
someone invited me somewhere
i went along with it
i had to distract myself
from the rest of them
sure, where is it then?
we met outside the theatre
she was wearing a big
thick black coat
do you like it?
my father gave it to me
yeah, it's good
she was drinking a coffee
telling me about her day
her job
how she'd met some really
- interesting guy -
and how happy she was
to see me
they sell drinks here?
i noticed a bar
just inside
she offered me a cigarette
i declined
i'll get a beer
and come out and join you
you can't take alcohol outside the venue
they said
looks like they're trying to keep us apart
smokers outside
drinkers inside
don't worry
we'll get a drink
at the interval
i pulled out my hip-flask
winked
and told her
that was a great idea

the show was pretty
pathetic
i spent most of it
imagining one of the ushers
completely and totally
naked
- but still standing there
with a torch, walking late comers
to their seats
she was attractive
she looked like someone
i'd probably seen on a train
once or twice
the highlight of the show
was during the interval
she went out for a smoke
and i said
nah, i'll just stay here
don't worry about me
while she was gone
i tried to read the program
over the shoulder
of the middle aged woman
sitting in front of me
she had hair like cauliflower
and smelt like a dentists
waiting room
anyway, when she returned
she had snuck a beer
back to the seats
and handed it too me
with a wink
i felt so lucky
to be
so needlessly lucky
i drunk the beer
in full view of
the naked usher
but she pretended
not to notice me

what did you think?
she asked me
like i was a six year old
on christmas morning
it was good
i replied
as the rest of the theatre crowd
mingled around us
asking each other
what did you think?
i thought i saw
my old english teacher
from highschool
im pretty sure
she saw me too
and noticed
but we both pretended
we didn't
much easier that way
so come on
she playfully slapped me on the shoulder
lets go get a coffee or something
i want you to tell me
about that documentary
you saw the other night
i told her no
i didn't really want to
i don't really do those things
i just see things
and let them be
that it has
such a greater affect
when you just let
- art
simply be art
and leave all the
discussions
and coffee
to those who
want that image
- but i know a place
she said
it's great
you'll love it
they play your type of music
and the coffee is great

i kissed her
on the cheek
she was a good soul
and meant no harm
i left her
by the wafting warm
doorways of the theater
and walked deeper
into the cold city
- there was this bar
that everyone knows
i go to
by myself
to read
and think
and be anonymous
it's open late
i walked in
and saw
the same girl
behind the bar
who is always
behind the bar
she smiled and i sat
at the bar
i ordered a beer
as though i were
giving her a tedious job
to do
she smiled again
poured it
and gave me a discount

the bar was empty
but being quite well known
to the local university students
at any moment
it could explode
into a room full
of drunken youths
wearing whatever
costume
is funny to them
this year
i sipped my beer
and wrote
some thoughts
in my notebook
i pulled out
a book to read
but an obscure
and favourite
song of mine
came on
throughout the bar
as it always
coincidentally
seems to do
when im alone
- this distracted me
from the book
i was reading
so i put it down
and ordered
another beer

by my third
a man walked into
the still empty
bar -
he wore a
light brown suit
maybe just little
too small for him
maybe
underneath it
a darker brown
woolen vest
perhaps homemade
perhaps im being
romantic
he carried a
red rain coat
if they'd forecast
rain
i wouldn't of had a clue
- balding, fifty
or sixty
years old
he wore a
messy, unkempt beard
he sat down
around the bend
in the bar
on the other side
the girl
asked him what he'd like
and he order some kind of
spirit drink
i'd never drink
he took a sip
and took out
a newspaper
beginning to work
on the crossword puzzle
an aura of
silence
and wisdom
orbited this old man
as he sipped his drink
and worked
the crossword puzzle
in his old brown suit
and woolen brown vest
and cheap red raincoat
on the chair next to him
we were both alone
in this shitty bar
the two of us with
the girl behind the bar
we drunk in silence
surrounded by the
mostly
pathetic music
that played through
the speakers

i felt the most
intense -
the most heartfelt
and sincere
honest
sadness
i'd ever felt
in my
stupid little life
and i felt
this complete
realised misery
for belonging
to my
wasted
generation