a full twenty minutes of staring at my crotch - i let her go - some suppressed fantasy perhaps? - her twenty minute train ride home spent staring at my crotch, as i stand cool in the doorway, hanging off one of the poles - i got shades on and i've done my what i've had to do with my day - i wonder what she is thinking of, what she is fantasising about, and whether it involves me in particular, or just any old dude on the train - or maybe it's just... it - or maybe she's just in a mid-week haze, staring blanking and thinking nothing - half dead and half asleep - yeah, maybe - i let her go
earlier that day i spent some time walking about the bad-side of town - empty fenced of trashlands - run down buildings built with old red brinks - faded signs of companies and organisations that have gone out of business at least fifteen years ago - i took some photos on my cheap camera and ate a packed lunch on a pile of concrete slabs stained and choked by weeds and dust
i saw a man lingering at the foot of some skeletal metal beams that once used to be something - he singled to me, a hesitant wave - i raised my hand in reply, and slowly walked towards him - he kept watch over both his shoulders, and mine - are you here for the meeting? he asked me
no, i'm not here for anything
what? ...what are you here for?
i'm sorry, im not here for anything
he laughed and twitched, pulling out a cigarette from his jacket pocket and dangling it from his lips - a week later i read about a man who was found dead exactly where we had our exchange - i had no doubt it was him, and i have no doubt it was suicide - for the next three weeks after hearing the news, i developed a severe cough that almost drove me insane
i live in a building - below me a small asian man runs a bottle shop, selling fireworks and weed under the counter to highschool students, and behind the sorry we're closed sign to me - on the floor above they hold dance classes for all types girls and women - the dance teacher is the only male i've seen walked up there - sometimes when im not working, i hear their dance steps infiltrating my afternoon-nap-dreams - once i had a girl over and she did a strange little strip tease for me, to the beat of the dancing footsteps coming from above - i don't know what happened to her - she vanished - i remember taking a day off work and lining up all these songs and all these albums that she could strip tease to for me next time, but there never was a next time and i never saw her again - i didn't speak to anyone for almost two weeks - until i went downstairs for more booze and weed
i sat in the city library for five days straight - i read eleven of what i consider to be the most important books and written words produced by man-kind - im a slow reader - i didn't have to talk to anyone the whole five days i was there - i didn't have to eat either - i drank from the water fountain and pissed in the toilets - i've never really taken to eating - it doesn't bother me - i could starve to death no even realise what had happened - one of the books i read talked about the importance of death in life, and how it's ridiculous to pretend it's not going to happen - i would talk to more people and meet more new people if it was socially acceptable to talk about death all the time - but it's not, so i don't - i just spend my time reading about it, starving myself, and watching the world pass me by one day at a time
i begun losing touch when everything seemed to become so cheap - i sort some kind of security, just so i would have one less thing to worry about - but once i reached that point, i realised i lived in a world where i could get anything i wanted whenever i wanted it - i lived a dangerous life of keeping my life as simple as possible while surrounded by luxurious people and places - my thoughts remained complex - my fears remained realistic - my dreams remained routine, while slightly sexual - my days were broken up between consumptions - i feared life, and anticipated death - i took the train home, and hung back - hung cool - having done what id had to do with the day
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