the humiliation I felt when I realised I was loathing someone for enjoying their medial job for a dominating dishonest company was a major realisation for me – god bless him – and god help me – it was his enthusiasm that irritated me at first, and the way the public seemed to find this funny and cute – I couldn’t understand it, and I don’t think I ever will - but that’s my problem
he became known by regulars and everybody loved him – in my eyes it was just an act, and an obvious one – I could see straight through it – the over-the-top greetings and farewells, syruped with blind-positivity – and because people didn’t see people act like this every day, they thought he was doing something and making a difference – my issue with it lay within my struggle in being able to make a real difference with people, as opposed to one that could be swallowed like a jelly-bean-smile – the struggle to affect the mechanics of people's outview, and their thinking and their lives and world, without trying to change their minds or opinions – my struggle lay within the fact that I didn’t see much positivity in day-to-day life, and therefore anyone who did, was fooling themselves
that’s not to say i was a complete pessimist and depressive – give me three days with nothing to do and I’ll see the most in-depth beauty this world and universe has to offer – give me some time alone at a bar, and I’ll see the best kind of love and affection between groups of friends sitting and walking around – the laughing groups of old time friends – the couple having an average run-of-the-mill and forgettable night and dinner out on the town – the two nerdy social-outcasts, in ill-fitting jeans, cheap sneakers and a jumper their mother gave them for their birthday, who have found each other and share their particular interests with one another – the lonely, yet happy, man sitting in the pokie-drenched local pub drinking his time away with eight others doing the exact same thing – give me a night under the stars and I’ll see an amazing life on earth that we’ve somehow stumbled into, against infinite odds, and therefore a life on earth that cannot be wasted – give me everyday and I’ll see one more day closer to death, and therefore one more day worth living
his act seemed cheap and hollow to me - animated facial features - crisp mornings and the bright side of life – I couldn’t understand it any other way other than simply finding a fucking quirky way to tolerate a pathetic and pointless life – but while this was happening, I would feel the need to be overtly appreciative to people working as office and toilet cleaners – I wanted them to know that I appreciated the work they did, and that I wasn’t like the rest - i went too far out of my way to say a simple thank you to too many people – yet after work, there I was mentally criticising this poor man for enjoying his stupid job
maybe I was upset that he didn’t need my recognition to feel good about what he was doing - he was happy enough
I realised my contradiction and hypercriticism – I still see this man every second day, usually when im at my most emotional – first thing in the morning, or walking home from work – I’ve taken to giving him a nod – something I usually reserve for any of my look-a-likes out there on the streets, bar-friends, and people who work at cd-stores
my view of this world is my fault and my redemption – it’s easy to be depressed about the world, fun too – but it’s the effort in seeing something positive that makes this world... bearable, at least - and that's the most you'll get from me
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