how now?
lay down, my body needs me to lay down - and i fall asleep as though im agent cooper in the red room passing through the curtain - though this time laura is dancing for me and sharing all her secrets with me - i feel the need to apologise to her, as though i had something to do with bob - perhaps i did, perhaps i didn't - i was too far gone and mentally, living on another planet to really know what was going on, and what i was doing within it - i have photographs - old tattered photographs that fall apart a little more everytime you pick them up or look at them - they only have five or six looks left - one is of the sillohette of a leaveless tree and there is an image of an old man walking away - it's black and white - well, at least it is now - i keep it in my book, for the people i meet to look and see - i met a man who was fired from his job because he was too old, and his hands didn't work like they used-to-could - he had this look on his face of disbelief, shock in the fact that something like this had happend to him, after all these years - he shook his face with small tremors, and pursed his lips like the sad-boy - i moved to put my hand on his shoulder to show that i felt so sorry for him, but he moved away and never noticed - he picked up his old lunch box and umbrella and turned his crooked back to walk home in midday the rain - the children sang and laughed as they managed to play under the monsterous gum that has stood tall his whole life - i puzzled with the pieces he left behind - little pieces that lay forgotten just out of frame - nailed to the wall like slabbed-meat - soft and deadly, i waited for her to come home to me - my fingers in my dry mouth noodeling anxiously - i hear cars circling my birthplace - i hear helicopters thundering my lighthouse - i hear footsteps behind me, dragging their limp as best as they can, trying not to lose too much blood while at the same time trying to muffle their sobs - i feel a hand on my shoulder - neither pushing or pulling, but i sign to remind me that i'm on the right path - the continuing whisper of - thy will be done - i have no recolection of my actions last night, and i begin to get concerned why she isn't answering my calls, and why my routine expectations aren't being met this afternoon - and my head aches as my fatigue endoures my body yet the madness continues to whirpool my mind and thinking - how can this be? - i am merely a person - how now? - im using bubble-bath as a cleaning product, hoping no-one will notice how poorly bubble-bath works as a cleaning product - these old rooms with their walls - a life time of second-guessing the best of me and before i know it i'm out of view, deep and alone in the thick knowledge that no matter what, i will always be alone - no matter who i am with, who i am friends with, who i treat nicely, what i say or what i do, i will always be alone in this world - i am alone now - i will die alone - this lonely life of mine, how can i explain? - and to whom? - i dwell in myself like rain at night - i shadow myself like moon-clouds - the wind pushes last night's rain off the leaves and onto my head - i am in the parklands wondering alone, hoping no-one will bother me in a jacket like this one - bats and possoms pester the night and break the silence from time to time, and i allow them - i keep still, finding shelter in the soaking cold black grass and wood - my breathing irritates me and i wish it would stop so i could be alone - somewhere in the distance a car slices the wet road and i think of the endless battle of my love of all things and breakdown again - another breakdown closer to the truth - another breakdown closer to my demise - what more can i do for the pure souls and the mindless ways they break my pathetic little heart? - what more than stand in the middle of the rain, in the middle of nowhere, in the middle of the night, killing myself ever so slowly - dragging my melting soul as best as i can, hiding my disbelief
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