dear john 280810

dear john,

im writing to you today - i sit here on the couch listening to a dream syndicate album that i downloaded yesterday - the football is on and im eating some pizza shapes and drinking vb beer out of a beer mug that has "the beatles" printed on it - these things, and my laptop are on the coffee table which has a carlton draught beer mat on it, along with the local newspapers, some nail polish, the latest edition of your zine, and a spot of sunlight - i am alone and slightly cold, wearing white socks, blue jeans, a church tshirt which has a topless lady on it who has stars for nipples, and a red and black flannel shirt - i haven't shaved in three or four days, and my sideburns are hearty - lauren is out somewhere and just before i walked up to a second hand cd store and bought a robyn hitchcock album, and a screaming trees album just because i love mark lanegan's whiskey voice - on the way home i stopped off at an op-shop and had a look at the shirts, but always knew i wasn;t going to find anything - i then went to the supermarket and bought some soft drink and a sports drink to take the edge of the depleted feeling i felt, and now i feel good - i bought a slab of beer as well and was awarded a free stubbie holder which i appreciated - it as "for me who have had their arm up a cow" printed on it, as a small sillohetted image of a man with his arm up a cow - i look forward to lauren's response when she sees it, and now im thinking about how she is so funny and how many people don't see it - she will be home sometime, and i liked the idea of having nothing to do tonight, but then i got a text message from my friend XXX(you also wrote about your friend XXX) and the text message says "okay, are you up for drinks and strippers in the city?" - i assume he's joking but i know he's probably not - he's such a nice guy, - YYY once spoke to me about her concerns of XXX being depressed - i never saw it and spoke to him about - "XXX, do you feel you're depressed?" i asked out of nowhere at a party once, and he replied "yeah, probably" - i was surprised but i shouldn't have been - i said "you and me both, but we'll alright" - and since then i've always looked out for him and stood up for him - if i didn't have lauren i would be a mess - maybe i will go out with XXX tonight - i don't know - i look forward to my bucks party - XXX's a tits man - i have been to strip clubs before - i remember befriending this guy who could've been my best friend, of life, but we lived in different areas of the planet - this mexican man took us out to a few bars - little did we know they were strip clubs and my shy friend had the mexican treatment that night and i thought it was hilarious - "what would you like sim-on?" - "ah, barcardi i guess" - and slam, and bottle of barcadi is slammed on the table in front of me - that was the night i fell asleep in my boxer shorts on the floor of a hostel in mexico city - i owned that place - i think about my drinking - it's definately a possibility, but i don't really know why - i trust i am intelligent to know what im doing, and to ensure i am living the life i want to live - i remember something i learnt in year twelve psychology, and it was that normal was being able to cope within the society in which you belong - whatever - i never want to hurt anybody, and i like the life i live - it's mine and it's how i want it to be - i can see the world in a way nobody else can, and i can switch it on and off at will - like now, how that strip of sunlight is randomising with the shadows of leaves and wind makes it a priceless work of art on my living room wall - like how i can look at lauren and think about the time we first met, and how neither of us could have ever understood how life-chaning that moment was, and how we must always remember that as at anytime another moment like that could take place - maybe i've just created another one? - it keeps suicide at bay - ive just changed the music and thought it would be funny to play the latest gorillaz album - snoop - i just went to the toilet and find it strange and funny how we have a trainspotting poster in there at that place, a large "photo" of superted, a self portrait of steve kilbey, and a painting of the universe by steve kilbey - being such a small little room, it positioned so that the self portrait is looking at the painting of the universe - you should come over and see it sometime - the universe, not my toilet - i always screw it up, don't i john - smashed and clingy at all tomorrow's parties - loaded and blokey at my birthday - who am i kidding, i am a mess - i do hurt people - it's halftime and the spots of sunlight have gone away - i pat the beat of the gorillaz on my inner thighs and maybe i should drum - i am writing to you today john because i love you and i don't know you and i am in debt to you - i will continue this - do you see me as a writer? - do you see me as a bogan? - do you see me as a bloke and an embarrassment? - do you see me as an artist? - do you see me as depressed? - do you hear me?

as always,
simon