Art Intimidating Life: The Ruins of my Mental Empire - Part Eleven

i murdered someone, quite soon - i would've told you earlier, but i was feeling too guilty about that prostitute i fucked wrongly, and silence festers in guilt - i did, actually, mean to kill him - it wasn't something i had planned - but given the time, and given the opportunity, i meant death - maybe it had something to do with my playful-suicide early twenties - maybe it was my facination with death and one too many nights listening to johnny cash with dole bludging friends drinking their dole-money beers - maybe it was a cry for help, that im troubled, disturbed and in need of a lock-down - i killed a man and there is a good chance someone will discover his slightly bloodied pale face, and his perfect jeans, early tomorrow morning - a sexy jogger in a tit filled singlet and a rolling firm arse, and her slobbering dog the silence afterwards, and the silence now, is maddening - i scurry for music and radio like a whore for a smack, something to slap that guilt heavy silence - what have i done? - something i used to dream to myself as i worked my office work - what have i done? - something i dont have to wonder now, now that my silence has gone - my old radio cracks on with song i'll never know - am radio annomisity - the old man at the bottle shop didnt even notice my blood stained fingers, or the stolen wallet that thankfully had a twenty in it for my soothe - somehow i always knew it would come to this - myself, in a lifechanging moment that will shock the small world around me - i wonder what its like, finding out the man you've been sleeping with is a snap-flash murderer - a crack back man on the run - a closet alcoholic dream sexy dream - one more beer, i say - sex is everywhere but no one wants it - am i insane, for thinking politeness, and etiquette, are human nature's unnatural way of saying, god exists? - desires are a slippery slope myfriend - though no matter how hard and deseperate and pathetic you work, climb and claw your way to your perfect life, momentum leaves behind a slippery trail of fail after fail - and you find yourself here - in a cold crackling room, alone - waiting for the inevitable - and you think to yourself, as i am now, nothing has changed - what is your inevitable? - what are you trying to avoid? he didn't make a sound, but his drift was beautiful - i now understand why death-row has no fear - they have seen the end, and it is peaceful - life is a bourden and death is a cold beer and a bbq, for those who want it - some people are too good for a cold beer and a seared peice of meat - but i must stop - im sounding like a mad-man i set my alarm clock for ten am - i still have half a bottle of my soothe and - well, it really makes no difference - would you believe me if i told you the body is lying outside my front door? - i can hear my neighbours arguing in their nonsense - maybe something is wrong, maybe my crackle is too loud - im no e.a.poe, but i feel a thumping - mine or hers? - or maybe theirs? - i have never heard them have sex, but i try my best - hell, once i even hung from the ceiling at a mere suspicion, only to be let down by pots and pans - fuck fuck fuc - i stole her panties the next morning, as punishment, and reward oh wait, i think i heard one of them sneeze - how delightful - or was it a smack deserved? - or perhaps a discovery? - you can never really tell - such loud nonsense they all make - but i digress, too much swig-swig and dunk-dunk - sinking into soothing madness, and allowing myself to dunk dunk dry and quickly - did you notice i refered to you as myfriend? - it makes me laugh, as why would someone, like me!, do this to you? - im asking too many questions - the truth is, i know now - murder does that to a man - clariity and a step closer to his own closurer, like a movie endured for the slight chance of running late fast-sex - yeah, it'll do - let me die if it was a sneeze, i'll wait it out - i'd rather be awake when it happens - im going away for a long time, which brings me to my real reason for writing this - if you're waiting for luck, i'll see you in hell - if you're planning on saving money to travel europe, i'll see you from heaven - if you're writing book, one that will stiffen backs, and open eyes, and liquify minds, well then, i'll see you again - if you're going to further educate yourself, i won't see you for a while - if you're going to drink too much and succumb, say hi for me - if you're going to get a job, get some money and get your life together, at least i'll be able to say that we used to be friends - if you're going to have a beer in the afternoon and feel the wind and see the sun set, drop by and say hi im not a bad man