im continually trying to find new ways to find home, and im in no hurry and content to stroll as long as it takes - if there is one thing i've learnt it's never listen to anyone who hasn't trusted me further than they knew me - i discovered a brothel nextdoor to a twenty-four hour fast food troff - how conveiniant - i want to sit back with a guilt free five dollar dinner and watch the business men, who have it all, walk in and out as though they're just visiting an old friend, to drop something off - "what? im just visiting an old friend!" - i could sit and watch that till hours become days, and days worth of freetime - but i dont as i have burritos waiting for me at my flat - interested in am-talk-back radio i listen like a humble alcoholic coming to the realisation he's three dollars short and has to admit it to the closet sex-offenders waiting in line behind him, and having to walk home empty handed wiping his nose knowing all well the demons that await him are going to be-
fucking
pissed
off
it's not easy living with a suicidal understanding of all things - not only to realise that there is "always some little thing you've got to do", but to actually see it everyday - little smiling heads popping up over yonder - the beast, it cometh down, and the angels come and go - some days we're congradulated - some days they don't even notice - some days the thoughts we have in bed, best stay in bed - i woke up in living hell, after being kicked out of living heaven - in a world where only the strange don't apply fake tans - in a world where facial hair is weird, unless the whole city plays along - in a world where people complain about how hot it is today, and how cold it is tomorrow - theres always some little thing you've got to do - pay bills and try and forget about them - pay rent and justify it to yourself - explain why you're smiling - answer phone calls from people who have the wrong number, and hang up after saying "see ya later" - buy mushrooms, and wonder if you'll finish that many in a week - explain to people what you're doing and why, for no reason whatsoever - the three days leading up to an apology for someone who really doesn't give a fuck
my heartbreaking love for guide-dogs sometimes seeps into my consciousness - when all things break my heart, and i wonder alone - the kindness of strangers - the cruelty of friends - the smiles on girls faces and their laughter - the phone call that never really gets it's point across - the unknown lives of forgotten strangers - with all this, i can completely understand why some people just don't want to go on - so much can never be truly communicated, and then there are the frustrations of art - one must live to explode with honesty and vulnerability - artistic expressions - or die saggy, with your true life deflated inside - sad, beautiful and dangerous
do you ever get the feeling this whole fucking living planet will one day have to be explained? - like some pathetic teenage house party - like a moment alone, caught out - i stand alone outside my block of flats, underneath a storm-puke-cloud, a chorus of muffled televions mumbling behind the steaming air - what will they have as an explanation? - fuck war - what will they say of jesus? - what will they say of weekends? - what will they say of fake tans, high heels and all their money? - what will become of our jobs? - what will they say of bobby fischer?
i was told, by a man, that he believed i enjoyed criticism more than praise - to this i laughed and wondered if this had anything to do with my habit of degrading myself - drunk on self deception, i listen to swans as my arse rubs against another mans, my hands brush past a woman's - and my balls linger in the face of an old asian grandmother, and i thank lou reed for remembering my sunglasses
version two, and come the love hate relationship - what came first? - a split second in time when once all lands were one great mass? - or the synchranised mosquito bites i discovered on both pinkie toes? - your confusion as to why i mail you these questions? - or my quiet thursday night beer relief? - i'm leaning towards hate since the last time - the more and more and more i see, the more i want to change - i envision your visions, and i try and fail - at one point in time, i would feel able to tap into the ripples that vibe over the streets and trams and rooms we share - i feel i have failed now because i have succeeded in the past
i want to please you - i often think that if i could one day tap into your mind, mine will be complete - there is no real reason, but yours becomes like some kind of scriptured holy grail - a true forbidden love of the minds
version three - and there'll be no reason for god to help me
day and night
hide and seek
the devils game
whats your poison
today - tonight
how does the world see you?
can i get a lift home?
- the police
don't know where i live
empty bottles - twelve
i set my alarm clock
twelve - just in case
i killed a man last night
and don't have much time left
- my fridge is full
she drinks coke
pigtails and stockings
everyone dies alone
you're my best friend
hank, slunk, hunk, honk
but always drunk around you
dirty sexy drinking
the footpath is cold and occupied
with friends i should know
my shadows lie
behind the shadows
my drunk best friend
help me
im in a church
waking from another dawn set nightmare
i upset my friend
it's all going wrong
fifteen mintues till the washing is done
he wrote me a letter
to tell me he is moving house
- i never made an effort to visit
the weather
my birthday
my death
i was born in the desert
life in limbo
and a sea-burial
mantra brith
now what?
mantra death
it's got to be time to sleep now
- turn everything off
silent alarms brang brang now now
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