i am writing this because the thought came to me as i was walking down the street on a cold and wet sunday afternoon - i was alone, and am alone - the thought came to me that we're all alone in this world, and that we all make such pathetic efforts to try and make it otherwise - but i guess one can't blame the need to feel loved and wanted - something to make our lives worthwhile, and meaningful
i carry on throughout this life, and i find myself getting so frustrated at so many things - so many things everyday, no matter where i am, or what im doing - i struggle to see past the meaninglessness of life, and therefore i struggle to live a proper life - i come across as rude, lazy and sarcastic - im synical towards most things, and i always assume an alternative motive behind the actions of everyone
i am this way because i hold onto the ideal of what life on earth could potentially be - i see such potential in the amazing fluke that is life on earth - intelligent life on earth - it's but then i see the expectations we thrust onto each other - i see people living lives, because they feel as though they should - i see people being proper, and i see people wanting to be proper - i don't even know what proper is - soup and a beer for lunch, why not?
i have great friends in my life, but that is more of a reflection of them, rather than of me - i only have friends because they want to be friends with me - i deserve nothing, and i want nothing - they seem to accept my sarcasam and continuous synicisms - i allow nothing, and toy and test everything that comes my way - i make fun of everything that is meaningful to everyone else and i never make it easy - if life can be a work of art, then i strive to be an absurdist - yeah, i see you world - yeah, i see you human race - but fuck you - i want nothing to do with it
and so i read about the mass-scale abominations of human history - i watch extreme and difficult movies - i bury myself in music and blankets and find some comfort in the warmth and rhythms
i am not depressed, just continually disappointed - be the change you want to see in the world? - yeah, so i drink - i walk alone and i think by the rivers - i walk through the trees and i sit by the rocks - i stand in the dirt and i think of my death, and wonder how and wonder why - no-one knows the meaning of life because so many people have made their lives meaningless
life is just something we have to do - and when things happen in my life, i keep this in mind - perspective is a helpful skill worth learning - there is not a lot on their earth that means a lot - historical landmarks, maybe - family, friends and loved ones, yeah - but only to ourselves - if we were able to gain some perspective, we might be able to work this fluke of nature into being worthwhile and meaningful - instead we have places we have to be - phone calls we have to take - politicians and political views that only self-serve to distract and occupy - people with tattoos - blind religions - trains running late
everyone finds their own way to deal with life - some people gamble - some people are religious - some drink - some start families and some work jobs - some people run and exercise - some people commit suicide - some don't
i am thirty years old now - yeah, so what? - i always wanted to be older than what i was - and now i am - im thirty years old and showing no signs of caring about how old i am - i run - i drink - i read - i follow football - i love my wife more than you love your girlfriend - i listen to music - i love my life because it goes against everything that's put before me everyday - and today it's raining - today it's sunday - today it's cold - and that's why i'm writing this today
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