Art Intimidating Life: The Ruins of my Mental Empire - Part Fifteen

i arrived at the train station and saw that i had a two minute wait until the next train arrived - somehow knowing that made me feel good for a moment - an unexpected piece of good news - only two minutes - only two minutes left - the rain drizzled down and the clouds were a light grey - i thought about walking to the shelter down the other end of the platform, but with only two minutes left, I didn’t feel it was worth it - i thought about the book I was reading at the time that was in the small bag on my back - i thought about listening to some music - i thought about turning on my mobile phone - but i did nothing - i stared at the train tracks below the platform and imagined jumping to my death a split second before the train pushes through - i felt the rush of pre-death, knowing that one day i just may act on these day-dream-death-visions i put myself through - but that time i missed my chance as I was distracted by the heavy hanging smoking coming from the gaunt-business lady sucking down her morning cigarette with a take-away coffee - she saw me watching her smoke melt into the drizzling rain and cold morning air, and gave me a dirty look - i missed my chance in asking her if i could have one of her cigarettes - the train arrived, and i took a seat next to some school girls

a few stations down the line im surrounded by some old women with grey hair wearing cardigans - i sat wearing my black leather jacket and thought about the book I was reading at the time that was in the small bag at my feet - i should read it, I thought to myself, and make the most of this time - the women didn't talk, two of them were completing sudoku puzzles. quite successfully and much better than i ever could, and two others were knitting wool - one knitting some small baby booties and the other knitting a jumper for a little boy - one of them who was doing a sudoku puzzle took a breath and looked out the window of the carriage - i followed her eyes and outside we blured past a multi-story retirement village that looked like a fucking shopping centre

i don't even have to look and i don't even need my eyes so i kept them focused on the footpath a meter in front of me - it's my walk to work and i take it like pill every morning - it keeps me sedated and successful - it's keeps me comfortable - however there was something in this city's air that tells me everyone, everywhere was miserable – I was surrounded by people who hated their lives, and we were all thinking the same thing

later that day i took an extended lunch break, or to put it simply, i didn't go back to work for quite a while - i walked the park grounds not far from where i work - wide open green grass fields that sucked up the drizzling rain knowing all well that the pending summer is going to be brutal - i walked through the park and ignored the power-walkers and lunch-time joggers, all dressed in tight expensive exercise clothes - i recalled my days as a successful young athlete - thirteen or fourteen - i ran in dirty t-shirts, board-shorts and supermarket-sneakers, and never came anything below third

it's only on my way home i realised i forgot to pack the lunch that i made myself the night before - i never eat it, but not making it and not taking it with me causes more trouble than I need - i usually stuffed them in my bag and flipped them into the bin at my desk, knowing that the cleaners at work would never meet my wife or disclose my secret - i don't eat much, and never eat breakfast or lunch

arriving home there was a young boy on a black bmx delivering the local newspaper outside our house - he was still wearing his high-school uniform, though his shirt was untucked and he was wearing sneakers – he was a handsome young kid, light brown hair with deep-cut eyes - he smiled as he saw me arrive home and hand-delivered me a newspaper - "thanks mate" i mumbled as i headed to the front door, determined to dispose of my homemade-lunch
"hey mate" the delivery-boy called, "gotta smoke?"
"don't smoke, sorry" i momentarily stop and turn
"yeah ya do - we see ya at the station all the time"
"jesus man, what do you think you're doing?"
"nothin'"
"keep it up,” I said without thinking, “piss off" i instantly felt bad for the young guy, as he actually did what i said, and left - walking inside i put my bag down by the front door, disposed of my lunch, got myself a beer, and thought about my days as a delivery boy.

The phone rang – I was sitting on the couch watching the motionless phone ring – I picked it and simultaneously turned on the tv– it wasJason
“hey”
“Hey”
“just get home?”
“yeah, watcha doing?”
“having a wank”
“right”
“nah, you doing anything?”
“umm...no not really”
“wanna get a drink?”
“yep”

From the worn out couch I heared the car pull up in the drive way – I turned the tv off and stood up, looking for my boots – “hi” she said as she walked inside “whatcha doin?”
“im going out with jase”
“okay”
She looked so happy. She was such a nice person, and deserved better. I kissed her on the forehead and felt terrible and sad. I loved her so much, and hated myself even more.

It had gotten dark quickly and the air moved and chilled the trees above the suburban streets – a car or two moved past me with their headlights on – I imagined them driving home to their families to watch the news and talk about it – turning the heater on and having some soup while mum cooks dinner – I took a turn onto the main road and noticed the flashing lights of a police car and a couple of ambulances – traffic stood still as I walked down to take a closer look, but stopped short upon seeing the twisted remains of the black bmx.