Art Intimidating Life - The Ruins of my Mental Empire: Part Eighty-Four

a full twenty minutes of staring at my crotch - i let her go - some suppressed fantasy perhaps? - her twenty minute train ride home spent staring at my crotch, as i stand cool in the doorway, hanging off one of the poles - i got shades on and i've done my what i've had to do with my day - i wonder what she is thinking of, what she is fantasising about, and whether it involves me in particular, or just any old dude on the train - or maybe it's just... it - or maybe she's just in a mid-week haze, staring blanking and thinking nothing - half dead and half asleep - yeah, maybe - i let her go

earlier that day i spent some time walking about the bad-side of town - empty fenced of trashlands - run down buildings built with old red brinks - faded signs of companies and organisations that have gone out of business at least fifteen years ago - i took some photos on my cheap camera and ate a packed lunch on a pile of concrete slabs stained and choked by weeds and dust

i saw a man lingering at the foot of some skeletal metal beams that once used to be something - he singled to me, a hesitant wave - i raised my hand in reply, and slowly walked towards him - he kept watch over both his shoulders, and mine - are you here for the meeting? he asked me
no, i'm not here for anything
what? ...what are you here for?
i'm sorry, im not here for anything
he laughed and twitched, pulling out a cigarette from his jacket pocket and dangling it from his lips - a week later i read about a man who was found dead exactly where we had our exchange - i had no doubt it was him, and i have no doubt it was suicide - for the next three weeks after hearing the news, i developed a severe cough that almost drove me insane

i live in a building - below me a small asian man runs a bottle shop, selling fireworks and weed under the counter to highschool students, and behind the sorry we're closed sign to me - on the floor above they hold dance classes for all types girls and women - the dance teacher is the only male i've seen walked up there - sometimes when im not working, i hear their dance steps infiltrating my afternoon-nap-dreams - once i had a girl over and she did a strange little strip tease for me, to the beat of the dancing footsteps coming from above - i don't know what happened to her - she vanished - i remember taking a day off work and lining up all these songs and all these albums that she could strip tease to for me next time, but there never was a next time and i never saw her again - i didn't speak to anyone for almost two weeks - until i went downstairs for more booze and weed

i sat in the city library for five days straight - i read eleven of what i consider to be the most important books and written words produced by man-kind - im a slow reader - i didn't have to talk to anyone the whole five days i was there - i didn't have to eat either - i drank from the water fountain and pissed in the toilets - i've never really taken to eating - it doesn't bother me - i could starve to death no even realise what had happened - one of the books i read talked about the importance of death in life, and how it's ridiculous to pretend it's not going to happen - i would talk to more people and meet more new people if it was socially acceptable to talk about death all the time - but it's not, so i don't - i just spend my time reading about it, starving myself, and watching the world pass me by one day at a time

i begun losing touch when everything seemed to become so cheap - i sort some kind of security, just so i would have one less thing to worry about - but once i reached that point, i realised i lived in a world where i could get anything i wanted whenever i wanted it - i lived a dangerous life of keeping my life as simple as possible while surrounded by luxurious people and places - my thoughts remained complex - my fears remained realistic - my dreams remained routine, while slightly sexual - my days were broken up between consumptions - i feared life, and anticipated death - i took the train home, and hung back - hung cool - having done what id had to do with the day

Art Intimidating Life - The Ruins of my Mental Empire: Part Eighty-Three

i take it slow and move down the fashion conscious streets of my home town - sunglasses keep barrier of distance and shade between me, and everything i see - everyone i see - each passer-by reveals another passer-by - a continual flow of people i'll never know just moving around - are they walking as aimlessly as i am? - can so many people really have that many things to do? - the weather is nice so i stop by the side of the street and order a seven-dollar fruit smoothie that tastes like shit, but the girl who served me was a cutie so i consider it a win-win situation - i bought the smoothie that had the least-ridiculous name - maybe that's why.

i stand on the corner and watch some more - i enjoy the confusion life causes me - i never want to get used to this life - i want to look at that girl stopped at a red light in her car, and see a girl in a metal box, run by a motor of little bits and pieces, and imagine the amount of trust she's putting into all those little bits and pieces to work together - to work together to save her life at every red-light - i want to see the absurdity of human beings, as intelligent beings, relying on coloured lights to tell them what to do - on hoards and hoards of people following the clock like a god, but forgetting that it's the sun that is our god, and we rely on a natural phenomenon to occur each and every day in order for normality to keep us sane - i want to look at women wearing high-heels and think to myself "what the fuck are you doing?" - i want to look at chairs and think about how much of a cool fucking invention they are - how can you be unhappy when sitting in a chair?

yeah, that's life - yeah, they're thoughts - i can't stop it and i can't stop them and i can't stop it confusing everyone else around me - some people get it, most don't - but at the same time, most don't care either - wearing my cowboy hat on the train home last night reminded me of this

walking home i took some thoughts - warm sunny summer afternoon, enough drain a thirst out of me - bag over one shoulder - got some books and some cds - the woman in that accountant's office is staring at me - i glance back and she's back to work - i come to the realisation that throughout my whole life, i have always had this built in trust and assurance that everything is going to be alright - that i can do anything and say anything, and everything will always work out - eventually, at least - and it does - im a pessimistic, sure - but that's only about the superficial and petty things we do with our lives - with the absurd and ridiculous things we think are important - im pessimistic and sarcastic about those things - everything else, i know will be good'n'cool in the end - i've always had this in me - always-  and so far it's paid off and is working - i just don't know who to thank - the things i dream about doing, i end up doing in time - and i do give it time - maybe that's the trick - don't push things - don't rush things - just allow it, and sit back in your chair

i fail at times and they're the times i don't know what's going wrong - what is it that i cannot fix? - the heavy burden of a neutral life on the wondering thinker - it only takes time before something happens that breaks through that nasty-silent-grey-normality - sometimes it's a song - sometimes it's a lithuanian sunset - today it was a great time over a nine kilometer run - my best - and as soon as i realised i'd run my fastest time, i knew i had the universe and my cosmic-worryless-gift  to thank, and apologise to

keep the faith, by never forgetting how tiny and insignificant our lives are in comparison to this world, this galaxy and this universe - it's incomprehensible, but the more you try, the more you realise we have nothing to worry about - seventy odd years out of billions and billions past, and billions and billions to come

Art Intimidating Life - The Ruins of my Mental Empire: Part Eighty-Two

yeah - im an arsehole - doesn't really know anyone, no-one really knows me - lady-elle maybe - sam maybe - the laylaws perhaps - god and the trees and the wind and cool sunshine and waking up from sleep and that realisation that you are on the other side of the planet - something that was once something, but is now a right of passage - i have traveled across this vast and tiny little planet, but for my time being, for the while i was the past dying - i battle, dear fucking reader, i battle - how can such a silly little man with one thousand dollars find a way to travel this planet? - hence, yes, hence - i stand in the background and watch it pass - such a fucking weirdo, drinking alone, happy - yet somehow getting by, pushing through, seeing it on the other side

im not really sure what took me to running - some idiot would talk about my father running ten marathons - sure i ran as i littleton - as a youngling - i remember practicing ten kilometers from f/haven to olde eastern view and back, just to prove little s.laylaw could run the shit - and the little-one could - i remember thinking about daniel larusso and his "prep" for the all-valley championship - but the internet has taken all the glory away from that - anyway, it was fucking tough back then - damn, it was tough - i pushed through, never saying mercy to two older brothers and one awesome family dog

we wake up everyday, but every now and again we wake up married and loved in a daze and you look around yourself and think - im alive, right? - and why me? - how many people have died while ive spent my time drinking and talking shit about music or movies that are meant to mean something but always never get noticed ever at the right time - and therefore a little man like me, pretending he means something against the spewmantic writing of online-thoughts - of online thinking - where does that leave me? - listening to fucking cds blasted witha nasty neon screen that corrects my fast-s[elling before i even notice it - is this to impress me? - is this to make me a cheap-sell to some guy a couple of years below me in high-school who now wears a suit and buys cheap sushi-rolls and pretends we were friends twelve years ago?

i run like a mad-man - i think of manic-musicians, crazy-artists and super-cool movie stars everyone has forgotten - who will teach the children's children? - how do i get angry? - i can't really remember before i started running pathetic three kay-emm runs that i had top stop half-way through for - realising, hard, that man, maybe i aint so tough - but that's all it took readers and listeners - one realisation to change it all

i think about those northcote lonesome days - drinkin' and music - struggling with the writing, but pushing through it all - somehow - some fucking how

now - yeah, im alright - i run like a mad-man, but i run coool, smooth fast and fit - i see the sun shining when the boozer only sees it shining at his morning-wakeup-depression - some sort of lake that looks fucking amazing - i run around it a couple of times a week and i nod to the runners i pass by - damn they're doing better than me... at least i think so - maybe, maybe not - anyway, i nod to them all thanks to day-light-saving - the runners-nod - two men just pushing through and running for individual pain and pleasure, seeing one another and giving nothing but a nod as they pass a couple of seconds and share them together - soon to be forgotten

some guy - a fluro jacket - maybe he wore it because he rode a bike - maybe he wore it for work - maybe he wore it cos it was dark back then - anyway, i saw him sitting on that bench by the creek in blackburn often - quite often - just sitting there, taking a break from his ride home to smoke a cigarette or few by the trees - only to be bothered by the workers with the "proper gear" speeding by on their "hybrids" - or guys like me running or "power walking" -or guys like me, who take some fucking time to notice the same old man sittig there with his shit and smoking his smokes and sometimes smiling with his smoked-workingclass-honest-lonely-face

yeah, he's a lonely man - only sometimes he nodded back to my nods as i ran my ten-kay runs - id nod, and get nothing back - he'd nod, and id pretend to be too soaked up in my midnight-oil-stained-ipod running music

yeah, but i got back to almost my personal-best - some set backs for no good reason, but nothing stopped me - but now i see some guy riding his bike a couple of moves down from my running route - ringing bells! - sure, i'll wave - riinging bells again! - this time i'll pretend i dont notice - riiinging bells again! - thumbs up man, i hope you're well! - i run on - he rides on - two losers passing-by doing their best

lady-elle said "i thought you didn't like to get to know people" - or was it "i thought you weren't a people person" - i'm not - im nothing, and that makes me realise how i react to the nature of people, as opposed to their natural way of things...

my thoughts are not like yours - my life is hopefully not like yours either - you're only reading this fucking far because you've drunk enough, or smart enough, to realise weird isn't weird - quirky is fashionable and popular - eclectic is numb - communication is boring - cool is everything standing behind everything you think is cool - love is lost to the moviesoaked romantic, and struggling to life, questioned, to those alone on the beach thinking of their loved ones - music, love, life, truth is what you want it to be - not what some fucking tv show says it it, not what some fucking disposable movie says it is, not what your favourite character acts it out to be - and truth doesn't exist - nothing will last - trust everyone, and forgive them all at the same time

Art Intimidating Life - The Ruins of my Mental Empire: Part Eighty-One

yeah, misery - he who knows how is lying - he who knows why is lying - he who when is lying - he who is miserable is battling the truth, and battling alone - saturday and the fucking sunshine - blue sky smiling through the holes of all those green and golden leaves that are nodding their mellows minds in the same way a stoner nods to the groove of a wooden shjps song - i wake up loud after another rager - gotta do something in a life that always throws something at you - but i meander soulessly - nothing inspires me - i don't want to write - i don't want to reply or respond to anything that appears before me - i scan my music, pleading the doctors to subscribe me something - nothing - and it's at this point, at 10.30am, i know im in for a big one - a perfect sunny weekend with nothing to do but anything i want to do, and im stuck in the endless cycle of a frustrated misery - nothing inspires me to do anything - i just want to kill time before time kills me - i walk the rooms, poke my head into each one hoping pathetically something had changed - i move down the hallway knowing all well im just going to lie down in bed and not be able to sleep - i open the curtains, thinking lying in bed looking out the window at the perfect sunny saturday morning weather will help fool myself that i'll leave the house at some point during the day - lady-elle eventually comes in and takes a nap like an artist - i lie awake next to her and my mind torments itself as i listen to her breathing a soft and small sleep on the pillow next to mine - eventually, as i watch the colour of the day fall into dusk, i become depressed and i tell lady-elle - she wants to help but my long series of "i dunno" and "whatever" answers prove that nothing can help me now - sure, i'm aware - sure, i've been here before and i believe it's just a natural flow and everyone's wave crashes and swells - but this was the second one in a month - were my post-trip blues really this severe? - am i really falling out of control? - have my years of tempting and taunting madness and insanity finally come back to infest my mind? - have i lost my strength to keep it at length?

it tagged along as i pushed on through some more days - i was standing on a train reading about yuri gagarin - i was surrounded by some people and i let them be - i thought of all their buzz words and latest trends that i choose to ignore, but they assume im too far out of it join in - i know - my eyes and ears and mind are open - i realise, and i realise the real world - i look at one girl and think "friends with benefits..." and then in my fuck-you-mind i say "all of my friend have benefits" - and that was all it took for me to regain myself - one girl on a train and one little cynical thought - later i thought "from now on I only eat meat that has been raised by same-sex parents" - and then i thought i'll make an appointment at a hairdresser and just before i hang up i’ll say “oh wait! one more thing… do you also cut hair?” - and then i asked someone if they were going home too and deliberately and inappropriately asked for a lift home, even though i knew they lived on the complete otherside of the city - all for my own amusement, but knowing all well they'd find it funny too - and i was back and out of it, waiting for another sunny weekend to fatefully fall upon us

now is a perfect time to have some haiku i wrote in bliss in a national park in eastern lithuania...

lithuanian pine trees
you keep secrets
of the men in black jackets

mystery man
what do you need
with three nights in this hotel?

clouds drift
much slower
in a cold dusk

so far from home
alone, crazy with thoughts
- how did i get here?

boozy lithuanian night
your thunder
sounds industrial

cold beer
a pen and paper
my cleansed soul, and open mind

and with nothing to do
i realise
there is no need to do anything

drifting clouds!
wait right there!
i want to come with you!

two fighting ducks
- are you high
on global warming?

here i am, alone
- noone will ever be here
with me right now

the lake looks so cold
from my hotel room
- my beer is warm

this dusk is almost
so beautiful
i contemplate putting off my nap

two young girls
watching a boy on a bike
love, lust and heartbreak

van gough print
on my hotel room wall
- amazing, i have seen the original

like drawn curtains
those polite clouds
part for the sunset

whats the point of talking
to anyone
who hasn't been to lithuania?!

when i die
i want to be cremated
with my head buried in a book

an autumn dusk
i look to the sunset and think
god must be wanking

god must be wanking
- the sun sets
over a cold pine forest

still silent lake,
don't let the rain drops
wake you up

sitting on a chair
looking out the window
- days change so subtly

willow tree
- are you really
as lazy as you look?

the whole afternoon
spent looking out the window
who is stranger? me or my  neighbour?

willow tree
when the wind blows
you deserve the nobel peace prize

home from dinner
a night out with you
my jacket smells like enchiladas 

Art Intimidating Life - The Ruins of my Mental Empire: Part Eighty

sitting in a room with a cockroach on the wall
im listening to also sprach zarathustra
looking out the window
watching the trees
watching the leaves
watching the wind
thinking on it
i think about the cockroach
just sitting there
on the wall like that
clinging on, i guess
also sprach zarathustra
you know, the intro bit
it's amazing
the soundtrack for existance
i guess
i wonder if the cockroach can feel it
i wonder if the cockroach can hear it
is his tiny little mind blown
just as much as mine is?
that it, that's the ruins of my mental empire
my mind has been blown so many times
on a daily basis
all it takes is
a little attention
a little concentration
a little thought
and everything around you
is insanely beautiful
and insanely impossible
and insanely ridiculous
and insanely absurd
and im the insane one?
most people i know
think that i'm crazy
but they don't know
the half of it
they don't know the genius behind it
the level of truth behind it
am i crazy?
or just honest
open
i don't talk much
because every time i do
i feel like im joking myself
i feel like im not doing the truth justice
words cannot explain this
a night sitting at the bar
drinking
only comes close
but only just
sometimes i do it alone
sitting at a bar
drinking and thinking
and my mind lets loose
and i mean
it really fucking lets loose
im sitting at a bar
but in reality
im drifting in blankets
through an endless
and endlessly beautiful
existance
and somehow
i bore people with thoughts like this
how the fuck can thoughts like this be boring to anyone?
this isn't a theory
this isn't an idea
it's the truth
we're a product of nature
we're an insignificant dot
drifting aimlessly in the soul of infinity
we ignore the sun
we're bored of the moon
we abuse the planet Earth
but we're so happy with ourselves
the human race takes itself so fucking seriously
president of the united states of america?
fuck that
world leaders, religious figures, elvis presley?
the one and only god lies within the existance of existance
the only god we need to listen to
is that little voice that's trying to work it's way around your complex mind
that voice in your head is god
you realise that, don't you?
what's it's saying to you now?
did you have any control over what it was saying?
when i see people pointing fingers,
when i see people on television
i find it cute
look, they're trying to make a difference
look, they think this matters
look, they think it's important
why live in the world, when you can live in your head?
i had that hand written on my bag when i was at university
university - damn you
i had no idea how much it would affect me
potent seeds of psychedelic sarcasm
it's not pretty, and i should care
but im just a man
sitting in a room
with a cockroach
that's clinging to the wall
thinking to him/herself
what the fuck is this vast vertical
smooth surface?!
just as confused as i am
we're all in this together
however, only a select few of us
are in deep
real deep
and there is no escape
it's too late now
it's too late now
it's too late now
this life has nothing on me
my death is my god
my death is my god
my death is my god
my death is my god
my death is my god
my death is my god
my death is my god
my god

Art Intimidating Life - The Ruins of my Mental Empire: Part Seventy-Nine

frantic moon dance
the children don't know
once the adults start drinking

star-lit return home
those damn dots
spoiling my dinner!

when the jelly mellows
there is a taste beyond
the fall of lemons

nasty little bugs
don't know they're
so nasty

golden trees
the weekend dusk
wake up for beer

a lonely sunny day
walking around
with nothing to do

the jazz man plays
along
with my sneeze

the steam in the bathroom
from someone elses shower
an intimate emptiness

a kiss on the cheek
stained with champagne
hello long walk home

the weak handshake
from my close friend
- take a beer for the walk home

wedding ring!
- the girl on the late night train
feels safe with me sitting next to her

as she sleeps
i open another beer
- what are her dreams?

the tail end of winter
blue green and gold
the dusk through my window

the business man in a suit
walks and talks -
saying nothing, going nowhere

listening to jazz
dusk like dew
im cold and high

four remote controls
can't even control
an afternoon drunk

they read their books
jazz albums plays -
an esky in the lounge room

helicopters -
the bird's
worst nightmare

drifting to mid-afternoon sleep
on the couch -
...am i really insane?

drunk at dusk
im sorry -
a mellow man has to live his life

if god exists
he must have seen this
- mellow drunk at dusk

Art Intimidating Life - The Ruins of my Mental Empire: Part Seventy-Eight

i had listened to a slowdive album
their first album
in bed in the morning
half awake, half asleep
warm and happy
a good night's sleep
a good night out
at the bar with sam
we know how to do it
i got up out of bed and put on
edward sharpe and the magnetic zeroes
they had two albums
and i played them both
i got out some ingredients
eggs
capsican
"peppers" if you watch the sorpranos
mushies
a bit of bacon
pepper and chilli
and make some cool little omlettes
lady-elle came home from the gym
she seemed pretty cool
she helped me with the omlettes
they can get out of control pretty easily
we sat down and ate them
as the second edward sharpe and the magnetic zeroes album
came to an end
we teased each other, and gave each other shit
and laughed about it
we're both pretty good at it too
we hung out
i walked down to dixons
quietly chuffed that i live within walking distance
to melbourne's biggest colllection of second-hand music
i sold some stuff i didn't need anymore
the guy
doug
a blackburn / melbourne legend
gave me a good price
he only took half of the stuff
but i expected that
later i jumped on my bike
i cruised slow
nice and slow
around the lake
i hit the shops and pushed through the food court
so many people buying food
i walked to the cd shop
and scanned around
tim rogers had released a new album
and i wanted to buy it
i love tim rogers
funny, intelligent, and a waster
i could only wish if i didn't try so hard
i paid for it at the counter
and the guy at the counter was a little too friendly
i rode my bike home
i rode my bike passed my friends empty parked car
don't see him much these days
but i'll see him around
i stopped off at the bottle shop
and picked up a six-pack of beer
and paid for it
again, the girl behind the counter was probably a little too nice
i hope she enjoys her weekend though
i carried the beer home on my bike
got a few looks
from the middle-class in the cafes i cruised passed
good on 'em
when i got home
lady-elle was taking a nap
she looked pretty funny
i got some lunch ready
a light lunch
since breakfast was so nice
and really, not that long ago
i sat down and listened to some music
i thought about the most psychedelic things i could think of
and thought about how i could make a cool psychedelic video
for one of rick bain and the genius position's songs
black apple orchard - i reckon
im going to a wedding this afternoon
im drinking one of the beers now
i actually had two weddings today
i sent ian my best wishes
he understood that i couldn't make it to his wedding
i sent him a text
and he would have approved me buying the new tim rogers album on his wedding day
and also selling some stuff to doug at dixons
ian's a cool guy
i probably see him once a year
if that
i've probably only seen him 5 or 6 times in my life to be honest
we met at a robyn hitchcock gig in richmond
and kept in touch since then
sending messages to each other
mostly consisting of our love for whatever music we're digging at the moment
he got me into the soft boys
i was all into hitchcock's solo stuff
but anyway
im going to sink a couple more beers
brush my hair and put on a suit
the wedding should be fun
they always are
they're a trip
after that i got no real plans
i'll just lounge around tomorrow
sip on some beers
listen to the new time rogers album
fall asleep here and there
maybe make a video if i can think of something cool
take care
i hope you're well
i hope you're happy
i hope you're doing whatever you want to do
i hope you've found a way to get through
whatever works
that's my new mantra
whatever works
and push on

Art Intimidating Life - The Ruins of my Mental Empire: Part Seventy-Seven

the summer of love ended in a heated argument that grew fast from some whispered words in the next room - the winter of hate lasted for three an a half years - long enough to find yourself - long enough to discover yourself - long enough to forget yourself - i kept a photo of the apollo eleven lunar modual in my pocket - she wrote her details on the back of it and said - i'll see you on the moon someday - i smiled, and replied- why stop there? - she was the only person i could go to an art-gallery with - she was quiet and rarely spoke whenever in the presence of art, music, poetry, words - this was almost bad enough - in the presence of artists, she distracted me - i put on my head-phones and listened to some music - we met in the city square and walked around, oblivious to the hundreds of years of history we were walking through - though in three and a half years, we would've made our own history - three of us would be dead, and the rest of us wished we were

he was the type of guy to wear a knife and tell you about it - i poured him a drink, looking his wife in the eyes, trying to gauge his intentions through her honest soul - i couldn't be certain - the waves crashed outside the stain-glassed windows, somehow fueled by the relentless grey winter rain - you shouldn't be driving in this weather, he mumbled as he stroked his moustache - i shouldn't be driving at all, i replied - i took a swig straight from the bottle - a not so subtle fuckyou to tell him to go fuck himself - he laughed with his accent - you know, you cannot intimidate me - he was right - he's fucking goddamn house intimidated me enough, and there was nothing i could do to save myself - there was no way i could get into his head - i took another swig from the bottle - deep and hard - long and smooth - it couldn't hurt - as i was give in, as i was about to confess, she leaned over slow and low and took hold of the bottle that sat next to me on the couch - looking me straight in the eye, she begun twisting the cap off the bottle with her toungue - lizardlike precision and an evil snake like sexuality

people - fucking people - jesus fucking christ - i was drunk in a field, screaming to the sky - my hair in strains from the poetry and sweat, and it started to rain - the grass was waist high and thrashed violently in the wind - i had reached the end - my throat hurt - my arms waved and cut through the wind like blind knives, tearing apart the world around me - my shirt was long gone, so were my family and friends - jesus fucking christ, so was everyone - i was bleeding from the chest, but had no recollection of how that happened - i took deep dark evil swigs from the bottle - i allowed myself that luxury - i allowed myself to succumb to the self-torturing i'd spent a lifetime trying to avoid - my words and poetry continued to be screamed to the sky, but they were making less and less sense - becoming more absurd, more bizarre - they were becoming unsound - i tasted the rain as it begun to fall through my hair and onto my face - i tasted a strangely comforting mixture of sweat and liquor - the comfort caught me off guard, and i lost my feet and fell onto my back - laughing like the doomsman - above me the sky moved in slow motion - i could only just see it through the thrashing grass that now begun to whip me like wet leather - and just before i drifted off, and allowed the gods and demons of my life to take me away forever, i saw the existence of being fold into and onto itself, obliterating any proof that there was any existence at all in the first place

Art Intimidating Life - The Ruins of my Mental Empire: Part Seventy-Six

smiling in the rain
won't stop it raining,
but it won't stop you smiling

walking home from work
a certain smile
that's been hidden all day

young woman on park bench
as a sad sun sets,
i hope you're okay

the city takes
all the fun
out of riding a bike

little stone
- are you the last
untouched object?

saying goodbye,
hoping it won't be the last time
- but knowing it may be

storm clouds
your threat of rain
doesn't scare me

evolution!
look at
what you've done!

evolution!
thank you!
but you took your time!

home is just
a little place
you've become familiar with

a day spent without eye-contact
is a day
best spent alone

a day without eye-contact
is a day
spent in the eyes of god

thirty years of life -
look at what you've done to me!
smiling to myself in the alley-ways

thirty years of life
thirty years of realising
the cheerful sadness

thirty years of life
on this evil, cruel world
- i love my life

thirty years of life
thirty years of guilt
thirty years of luck

thirty years of life
- now what?

b-grade celebrity
you look so happy playing pool
in this shitty, little bar

drinking at the bar
an hour late for a cello recital
- i'm at peace

poetry -
stolen by wankers,
found by wankers

no smile
simply says
i'm happy

thirty years old
where am i?
how did i get here?

to realise the real world
alone, thirsty and tired
- coming down

at the bar alone
- equipped with three songs
lined up on the jukebox

after-dark train
fluorescent lights
and dark stockings

my life
questioned by many
answered by none

life is beautiful
- one day
you'll see

at the threshold
the lonely man
looks to the sky

i play god
- i never take
my own advice

i put the glass down
- and take a deep breath
friday night

is this confusion?
it's hard to tell
the difference these days

the poet never carries
an umbrella -
the poet enjoys the rain

drunken poet
drinking and writing
- your hands are full

2pm, sunday
the perfect time
for a nap

clouds drifting slowly
circling the earth
as dreamlike peacekeepers

Art Intimidating Life - The Ruins of my Mental Empire: Part Seventy-Five

the first thing you see
is the train station
cafe workers poppin umbrellas
suits and ties and drizzling rain
trains every three minutes
there's no reason to run
middle class delusions served by working class cool
no-one buys the newspaper
but a few buy buzz in a can
buses move through the fog
like machines
cigarette smokers, they're there
if you look close enough
out on the fringes
and half of them are high school students
mothers in pajamas
dropping their kids off
you know, because it's raining
thoughts are dulled
heads bowed in prayer
receiving the message
absorbing the song
playing the game
everyone is on their telephone
but no-one is saying a word
strange times in the third carriage
blockbuster novels
that change like the seasons
miles davis in my ears
and only now it's time to work
yeah, we push through
yeah, we get paid well
yeah, we got the trenchcoats
some of these people buy thirty dollar lunches
some make some sandwiches from home
we got it all
while all that's happening
there are birds movin around
on a sick day you'll see them
you'll see the sun hit your lounge-room
in a way you never knew it could
the kids in the preschool down the road
make as much noise as they like
possums sleep in the roofs of empty houses
lazy, sleepy security
pensioners go shopping
and real estate agents drive the streets
posties protect the streets
and plants grow in peace
until the time comes when the kids are released
some had parents waiting for them at the gate
some don't
they walk their way home
talking, or thinking silently to themselves
obliviously developing the paths their lives are going to take
the path ends at quarter to five
spilling out of buildings
like a hole in a bucket
thoughts of dinner
some will have already organised
some will organise on their way
some won't at all
the supermarkets are invaded
swiped of capsicans and onions
the local pizza and fish and chips
are heisted homewards
toddlers wait with their mothers at the train station
waiting for daddy to step off the train
school girls loiter
assuming the imaginations they've caught
the lonesome carry six-packs of beer
and the dusk falls for them
televisions wake up
like a nocturnal mental patients
and buzz an hypnotic drone
that clears their minds
some still read in the shadows
they're in the spare rooms
pajama clad children run and laugh themselves to sleep
a strange, unsure, uncontrollable laughter only children know
empty wine glasses are taken to the sink
yawns speak louder than words
final words are shared through foaming toothpaste
until there is nothing but breathing
nothing but breath

the last thing you'll see
is the headlights of cars
blinding yellow
like a guiding light to nowhere
waiting for the lights to change

Art Intimidating Life - The Ruins of my Mental Empire: Part Seventy-Four

so many clocks!
i look to the sky
for some relief

reading over my shoulder
the school girl
learns the hard way

exhausted!
i retire to the bar,
only to be served with more questions!

a long walk home
made longer -
he stops and watches the trees move in the wind

the everyday-man
lives in the moment -
the rest of us wonder how

the cleaner enjoys a drink
at the end of every shift -
i nod, and walk on

two lonesome drinker remain silent
- when it's time leave
they nod a friendly farewell

live like a god,
but never live
by example

live like a god
but never take
your own advice

live like the devil
and always set
your alarm clock

live like the devil
all things in moderation
- all at once

live like a god
go to sleep - and hug someone
when you get there

live like a god
ignore the people
you see in faults

live like a god
wake up -
and stay put

live like a god
look at the stars
for three hours alone

live like the devil
read half a book
watch half a movie

live like the devil
listen to the dreams
of your enemies

live like the devil
drink luke-warm milk
from the carton

live like the devil
rip up mail
before reading it

live like a god
live with others,
but always walk alone

live like a god
live alone
but always walk with your friends

live like the devil
sit in the sun for twelve minutes
at the train station

live like the devil
love yourself
at your best

live like a god
love yourself
at your worst

looking to the stars
making a wish -
wishing there was no reason to

on top of the mountain
a man stands
at the foot of the mountain
a man stands

i stand by the water
and listen to the creek
- does it ever end?!

i look to the stars
for three hours -
pure lonesome happiness

you are the most

important person

in your life

you are the most

important person

you'll never meet

everytime you think of someone else

someone else thinks of you

- and that's how the world unravels

i see the young man

i see the old man

- window shopping

supermarket check-out girl

- do you realise how much

i'm loving this small talk?

if life is a lie

then death is the truth

- but what is this?

 

 

 

Art Intimidating Life - The Ruins of my Mental Empire: Part Seventy-Three

the reality is, there is no real good reason to be happy - the trick is remembering there is no good reason to be unhappy either - when you least expect it, one or the other will puppeteer your life and it will take a while to realise what's actually happening - you're happy, or you're unhappy, for no good reason, and it's out of your control

before i knew what was taking place, i'd had a painting painted for me - commissioned two years ago much to the anticipation of friends and family who had taken it upon themselves to assume it was a wedding present for ourselves - it never was - it was a gift to a house - like a becoming of age thing - a house only becomes a home once it has a commissioned painting painted by one of your all-time favourite artists on the wall - that, and i also fell into some extra cash that i didn't want to fall into the anonymity of electronic banking

i had run fifteen kilometers and therefore become the fittest i've ever been i guess - but before that lady-elle had ordered me a thirtieth birthday present that was almost a month late in arriving - i didn't mind, of course - but we'd heard the night before she flew to japan, it was waiting for me at the post office - i'd finally get to see it - id finally get to know what it was - and she's a goddamn genius at buying people presents - living out of bags in london for a week, she was able to give a relative stranger a xmas present by finding out he was going to india in a week, and then giving him the handful of rupees we had left over from our recent visit - see what i mean? - anyway, she flew out to japan the next morning, and after work i was able to pick up the present - after dealing with some unnecessary but regulation hassle at the post office, i was handed a massive tube - i walked it home and put on j mascis' solo album and opened the tube - i unraveled a print of a painting  by alan beam - the only artist who has ever walked on the moon - it was a painting called "is anyone out there?" it's a self portrait of the moment alan beam spent on the moon looking into the void asking himself if anyone was out there - art, space, philosophy and the perfect present for me - all i have to do is have a quite beer while listening to some psychedelic music as i slowly fall asleep as i look with hazy eyes at it, and i'll die happy - that night i ran fifteen kilometers for the first time in my life, in a good time too - it was a cool clear night and in the seventy-six minutes i was out there running, i only really saw one other person -  but only just - i watched the sun set as i ran and instantly i felt the night air take over, and take over cold - and soon fog - but during the whole time the moon shone down on me and inspired me and guided me through the dark park tracks - it was a spiritual moment and i thought of that same moon moving over japan sometime soon - knowing all well that someone was out there for me

later than night my uncle found my house and dropped off a grandfather-clock that actually once belonged to my grandfather - the font of the numbers on the clock-face looked identical even though i now stand at one hundred and seventy-seven centimeters - it doesn't work, but it's currently sitting in the corner - next to our massive whatever-inch tv - and it's a phenomenon that i now possess it

my football team won a great victory last weekend, and i watched it with some friends i've known for twenty-five of my thirty-years - i lost my ipod but just bought a new one and got on with just listening to some amazing music - i stopped fighting myself and learned to love edward sharpe and the magnetic zeros - i started reading a new james ellroy book and i got my photo taken with tim rogers

prior to all of this was i exhausting myself with late nights and a couple of beers - and i felt neutral, empty and careless - but as with everything i've just written, it was all for no good reason - it was just mere occurrence, and that's the way it is - for better or worse - but as i learned by watching woody allen's whatever works during the empty sunday evening carpark that was my neutralness, you've just got to do what you can with whatever you've got to do it with - and take whatever pleasure you can out of this beautiful, amazing existence we've found ourselves in, for no good reason

i'll finish writing this by something like

if men are from mars
and women are from venus
i wanna be right here with the animals and trees

setting sun -
i see you smiling.
i'll see you tomorrow

possum madness
behind the dark leaves
- the frozen half moon

saying goodbye could always be
the last time
saying hello could always be
the first time

Art Intimidating Life - The Ruins of my Mental Empire: Part Seventy-Two

dear prudence
relax and -
close your eyes

dear prudence,
are those rich english boys
bothering you?

and after some time,
happiness
- outside the leaves leak rain

staring to the distance,
he is silent -
oblivious to their laughter

flakey brown leather chair
seats a grandfather
- he sits in it, and dies

empty room,
when will the rain
return your silence?

shelter at the bus stop
waiting for the rain to pass
-  take a seat

in the library, he thinks of his past
-  surrounded by books
there aren't many regrets

the friends are laughing
it must be raining
on the mellow drunks

i'm alright -
probably happy
- i'm alright

walking past the wedding,
he stops and wonders why they're so happy,
and takes a sip of his beer

with open eyes
she see the morning
- what does it look like?

a dinner for one
- cook for two
when the heater's broken

litter floating in the gutter
tonight's rain is especially cold
- who ate all the pies?

my life on earth
reminds me of
rain on the ocean

a broken mirror
turns all frowns
into awkward smiles

late silent night -
a dripping tap, a ticking clock
lost in the comforting drone of rooftop rain

happiness without a hug
is like
happiness without a hug

a peaceful thought
from a mellow mind
- standing still in the city

from this mountain-top
i can see where i live,
but i think of my home

in life, we fear hell
in hell, we fear death
in death, we live life

Art Intimidating Life - The Ruins of my Mental Empire: Part Seventy-One

i am writing this because the thought came to me as i was walking down the street on a cold and wet sunday afternoon - i was alone, and am alone - the thought came to me that we're all alone in this world, and that we all make such pathetic efforts to try and make it otherwise - but i guess one can't blame the need to feel loved and wanted - something to make our lives worthwhile, and meaningful

i carry on throughout this life, and i find myself getting so frustrated at so many things - so many things everyday, no matter where i am, or what im doing - i struggle to see past the meaninglessness of life, and therefore i struggle to live a proper life - i come across as rude, lazy and sarcastic - im synical towards most things, and i always assume an alternative motive behind the actions of everyone

i am this way because i hold onto the ideal of what life on earth could potentially be - i see such potential in the amazing fluke that is life on earth - intelligent life on earth - it's but then i see the expectations we thrust onto each other - i see people living lives, because they feel as though they should - i see people being proper, and i see people wanting to be proper - i don't even know what proper is - soup and a beer for lunch, why not?

i have great friends in my life, but that is more of a reflection of them, rather than of me - i only have friends because they want to be friends with me - i deserve nothing, and i want nothing - they seem to accept my sarcasam and continuous synicisms - i allow nothing, and toy and test everything that comes my way - i make fun of everything that is meaningful to everyone else and i never make it easy - if life can be a work of art, then i strive to be an absurdist - yeah, i see you world -  yeah, i see you human race - but fuck you - i want nothing to do with it

and so i read about the mass-scale abominations of human history - i watch extreme and difficult movies - i bury myself in music and blankets and find some comfort in the warmth and rhythms

i am not depressed, just continually disappointed - be the change you want to see in the world? - yeah, so i drink - i walk alone and i think by the rivers - i walk through the trees and i sit by the rocks - i stand in the dirt and i think of my death, and wonder how and wonder why - no-one knows the meaning of life because so many people have made their lives meaningless

life is just something we have to do - and when things happen in my life, i keep this in mind - perspective is a helpful skill worth learning - there is not a lot on their earth that means a lot - historical landmarks, maybe - family, friends and loved ones, yeah - but only to ourselves - if we were able to gain some perspective, we might be able to work this fluke of nature into being worthwhile and meaningful - instead we have places we have to be - phone calls we have to take - politicians and political views that only self-serve to distract and occupy - people with tattoos - blind religions - trains running late

everyone finds their own way to deal with life - some people gamble - some people are religious - some drink - some start families and some work jobs - some people run and exercise - some people commit suicide - some don't

i am thirty years old now - yeah, so what? - i always wanted to be older than what i was - and now i am - im thirty years old and showing no signs of caring about how old i am - i run - i drink - i read - i follow football - i love my wife more than you love your girlfriend - i listen to music - i love my life because it goes against everything that's put before me everyday - and today it's raining - today it's sunday - today it's cold - and that's why i'm writing this today

Art Intimidating Life - The Ruins of my Mental Empire: Part Seventy

anonymous encounters failing the lonely-man
 standing by himself in a public toilet
he stands there for twenty minutes
doors remain locked
like his tangled beard
wrapped up tightly
his patchy woolen jacket
whispered on the threshold
and determined by cruelty of fate
and the collateral damage of individuality
i thought I heard their voices
but it was only their laughter
I thought I could make some sense
but it was only their rules
the vile sight of fresh-faced supermarket security guards
laying down the law to an elderly homeless man
pockets full on an empty stomach
the feeling returns
and the cruel nature of nature
has lost again with the ease of wasted time
this time it’s by our own doing
life itself up against the law
a ride home for free
what do I even have in my pockets?
the of fear wasting time
can’t shrug the stains of monotony
finally reaching the end of time
we embrace like pure-beings
mingling spirits floating down a stream
neither dead or alive
and not caring either way
something has been mutually accepted here
as they curl up to die together -
waking up alive all over again
but at least they’re keeping each other warm
mother nature is on her knees
begging for mercy with smokey tears
and im on mine for forgiveness
we bump into one another
on the same course through the smoke and wind
direct to the ultimate catastrophe
one last bang and we’re gone
dazed, drifting and naked
a disintegration faster than reflex
an unknown cause of death
an unknown reason to live
and our lives nevertheless
an invisible push that pushes
until the realisation when we're
buying food
talking to people
asleep on trains
walking through city parks
drinking with friends
and all those moments spent alone
that we keep to ourselves
- that's beauty
and if you call yourself a god
well - you need some time alone
a fascination, floating dust particles, and the spider-web
theres no blame behind the natural high
god spends his time alone
god is a loner
the fields are empty, but always covered in mist
my freedom melts the frosts
running like a living being
sometime the sky looks bigger than what it actually is
but it's nothing
sky doesn't really exist
my feeling of meaninglessness
and the stretching expanding space
empty laughter echos and weaves through the tall mossy trees
sunslight - some kind of sunlight
perice this beautiful world
some kind of daily recollection
it's alright
the morning dew is most prevalent on his unshaven face
a twitch, and he is awake
like his tangled beard
wrapped up tightly
his patchy woolen jacket
is warm today
whispered on the threshold
of not caring either way
if god is a loner, then so is he
and so am i
and she's my best friend
tomorrow - just another best and worst of somebody's life
sirens wailing in the background of a half-hearted birthday-wish
somebody's birthday
somebody dies
the rest of shrug our shoulders
and wonder how long it is before we can go home
people are those people who we dont know
it's a never ending scurm of life
never ending until we find a dead-end
love keeps a functioning-alcoholic alive
it's up to them whether they live or die
if they die i drink to them
i walk the lonely streets at night for them
i walk the parks with the possums as the moonlight find the rain
if the don't, i pass them some change
but at the very least - i see them as teenagers
i see them in my shoes
and i dont blame them
the vile sight of fresh-faced supermarket security guards
laying down the law to an elderly homeless man

·        

Art Intimidating Life - The Ruins of my Mental Empire: Part Sixty-Nine

the side line girl
a suburban interaction
mellow drunk, don't disturb us
we stand beyond
the supermarket convienience
 - how are you going?
a salvation lost
between truth and memories
and at least i know
no-one i know
will be hurt
lost or forgotten
- and my ghosts guide me
a silly little man
the most wise man ive met
trees grow beyond our
comprehension
beyond our awareness
before we know it
as we're fusking drinking with friends at some bar that means something
- there's a tree outside the window
it's been there for years
and leaves grow and fall from it
and i live to see them fall and die
im not sad
im alive
im not depressed
i just realise my life
sad autumn leaves shared
by the train station masses
as they shit-kick their way home
to warm-home-made-soup
they dunk drunk
before a silly fucking television
but yet
but yes
i find myself
finding myslef
a way out of a social fucking situation
i used to work at that service station
i grew up in this town
i was born in that hospital
but here i was
drinking a brand new
six-pack of beer
behind the service station
realise my adult life
realising that this
was how i was
going to realise my adult life
just me and the stars
just me and and some distant traffic
later one
just me and the three am ocean
listening to some favourite songs
screaming the positive words ive thought
to the cosmos
to the most worthy
i think of my father
and private moments
and how i somehow got married
only a certain few know how to get married before they're thirty
god-damn lady-elle is one of the coolest i've met
no smile says you're happy
evolution, where have you been?
the rest try and say they're too cool to be thirty
- i'll die knowing i have made a commitment
i'll die knowing i have made a commitment to my friends
and to the friends who have made a commitment
to the
fuck off
life is life
death is death
the split second inbetween is spent
in the eyes of...
your subconsciouisness
and the god
you chose to judge your death
- mine?
mine will be pure - a psychedelic drift into the pure cosmic void
that so many fear
- i dont fear the void -
- i dont fear death -
a pure realised life can guide you
- what guides you?
im not a poet, and i never wanted to be
i just wanted to obsorb the artistic syrups
of my opened stained glass windows
that welcome the cold orange autumn breese
into the stale memories of
of me, and my realisation of the
leaves fall like gatherings
and unexpected welcomes
yellows twirling
orange melting
red wet
it's winter now the music is inside
- i hear it from the streets
i hear it as i walk home
someone drives past
they honk their horn
and i push my middle finger through the a-emm fog
- where are you? -
- where am i? -
someone reminded me
a never-lost-long friend
the univisrse doesn't care
we can't comprehend how insigificant we are
yet, everyone wishes me a happy birthday
it's fucking absurd - sing me a song - crowd about me
but it makes sense
we're so fucking lucky to be alive
this is our life - this is how we live it
i wonder where i will die
i wonder how i will die
i think of those i will leave behind and i feel so miserable
but i hope i give each and every one of them
one tiny sip
of my appreciation, and love
- i felt it, and saw it
at the bus stop in lowell, massachusetts
my death doesnt mean anything
my life doesnt mean anything
- but  i'll live it
despite your fucking hidden judgements
are you as wholesome as you promote yourself to be wholesome?
i dont know it all

im not conceited

just because you read what i write you fucking think you know who i am?

you fucking idiot

i have memories

trees grow

grass die

 the universe against me?

i dont even exist

and in that case i dont want to

but i cant help it

im stuck here

surrounded by songs like

prozac vs heroin

you look great when im fucked up


ive been drinking at this bar
for twelve years
- time for another beer

Art Intimidating Life - The Ruins of my Mental Empire: Part Sixty-Eight

i found a lucky charm - i put it in my pocket and went to work - after that, i went home and cooked dinner and watched television and fell asleep on the couch - i woke up on at couch at around 10.30pm, and by that time it was time to go to bed - so i brushed my teeth and rinsed with mouthwash and changed into a t-shirt i don't care about too much and slipped into bed and dreamt dull dreams i'll tell my friends about tomorrow - i woke up after a light sleep and got dressed for work and tipped my cap and walked out the door

my lucky charm? - oh, i left that in my other pants - and since i'd worn them once i washed them the next day and in doing so destroyed the lucky charm - yep, some people have said to me that it could've changed my life and had some good influences on how i live it - but, these things happen - and everything happens for a reason, right?

***

pressing - warped and melting - there is good reason the human mind cannot comprehend how completely insignificant we are every-waking hour - the human mind can only handle it in bursts - i don't claim to know the meaning of life, but i claim to have come within it's reach once or twice - i now know that's it's out of my control to fully comprehend it, but maybe my work done in my designated seventy-ish years will one day contribute to the most beautiful day in human existence - the day we realise we're not alone - or the day we realise not just why, but how we're here - i dream of that day and imagine being around to witness it from some perspective - i imagine sitting down at a bar at six pee-em on a friday winter evening - weeks after my birthday - seeing some friends and sharing whatever news we had - i'd try and call lady-elle but the mobiles wouldn't be working - the bar staff would let me use the land-line and i'd somehow get through to her - she'd somehow know that everyone we know is okay and safe - her family, my family, our friends - all safe and well, despite the chaos of general public - and she'd be alright as well - but i wouldn't have to ask

we'd order drinks, sheepishly - wondering if we should, and telling ourselves we want to keep a clear head for this complete moment of earth history - insignificant beyond pluto - but without a doubt we'd all be in a good mood - we'd all be laughing anyway - you can be dying and be in a good mood - and thank god - as that's just how the earth will be, when we realise we're not alone

***

the invisible tear of the pathetic man staring at the school-girl on my rainy-morning train this morning - i look to her ipod and nod to myself - i look to him and shake my head ever so slightly - slightly enough i may not have shook my head at all - but enough for him to think that some strange guy in a black jacket with long hair and a beard in fingerless gloves reading some tattered pages just may have caught him out doing something his mind will take to the circus

live in the now - so they say - but fuck, it's hard - im not going to say it's impossible, but give me a week on earth and i'll give you only one moment i clearly see my life in the moment - that being; my life right here, right now, what im seeing, what im hearing, thinking and all that with the anticipation of what is most likely going to come next, right now - i feel lucky i have the ability to allow myself realisation like this as often as possible - i wonder how common they are - i wonder how common they are when im buying salami from the deli at the supermarket - i wonder how common they are when im waiting at the pedestrian crossing at swanston street and fuck knows - i wonder about how many people have thought about marilyn monroe's vagina - millions probably - millions billions of times - and that's the sort of shit that give me an invisible tear this rainy morning

Art Intimidating Life - The Ruins of my Mental Empire: Part Sixty-Seven

 

im writing at a desk, for once - i have a desk - simple, with a lava lamp to my left - my cds to my arse, and a cd player to the back of my head - to my right is the greatest photo i have ever taken; one of lady-elle smiling infinitely at a local footy match that our apparent team somehow won and somehow ive captured my view of beauty in one drunken saturday afternoon photo - in front of me is a giant jimmy dean walking down times-sqaure, a squares places ive spent time twice and been puked by the advertising jimmy dean has morphed into - there's symbolism though - i also have a photo of marilyn monroe, days before she died - just because she looks like a goddess in the sense she knows-all - and fuck, she knew a bit- i used to joke about having the chance to film a sex scene between james dean and marilyn monroe - but i think they'd just cuddle - maybe smoke a few

along with jimmy and marilyn, i have a photo of warren ellis in a cool bad seed suit about to cross the road with a non-sassy sexy looking dress-wearin lady-down-walkin right-by behind him strut - not only is that something i'd love to put into words, it's something i try to live by - i want to be oblivious to fucking everything, but know it all - so far, i know it all

i also have a letter  - im not even going to smoke it - all letters should be smoked - kids these days dont know what they're missing out on - music especially - im about to turn thirty, and im so glad i dont have the music taste of a twenty year old from ten years ago - i also have the age behind friendship - i finally have the wisdom i craved for twenty years, and i yearn for the wisdom of another twenty - that's something not everyone has, or yearns for


i'll say it again, i've spent the most of my twenties thinking about death - i've said it before, but i spent the most of my teens thinking about death - i've said it before, but i spent most of my childhood wondering how to spend this thought that pushes me through life and confuses me with sunsets and sadness and late-nights and friendships - how to find balance in a psychological nuclear war, not to mention day-to-day misery



my life makes more sense to me the closer i am to death - my only concern is how clear life seems to me at thirty

Art Intimidating Life - The Ruins of my Mental Empire: Part Sixty-Six

after a day of whipping myself through the routine i say to myself i have to do more with my nights - i can't keep watching vhs copies of titanic, for example - and so when i was supposed to turn left, i turned right - at that easy moment i felt the curvature of spontaneity wave slowly in my favour - i found myself sitting at a table i'd sat at before, sipping a beer on the rooftop, writing things like:

men fantasise
women tantalise

laughing to yourself
is a true sign
that you're truly happy

i see jazz
when i see
shade and sunlight dance

i see jazz
when i see
someone bum a smoke

i see jazz
when i see
someone nod, instead of saying hello

i see jazz
when i see
bad traffic on a friday night

i see jazz
when i see
a clock tower at 3am

i see jazz
when i see
couples in love, diggin' jazz

i see jazz
when i see
things flowin'

i see jazz
when i see
people at ease

i see jazz
when i see
happy drunks

i see jazz
when i see
laughter from a candle-lit room

i see jazz
when i see
birds singing at crazy-dusk

i see jazz
when i see
that sun do nothing but set!

i see jazz
when i see
people drinking under dark red lights

i see jazz
when i see
leather jackets crowd a dark room

i see jazz
when i see
a man a bar alone with a great big smile on his face

i see jazz
when i see
a storm in a wine glass

i see jazz
when i see
lightening in a cocktail glass

i see jazz
when i see
women

i see jazz
when i see
someone dancing barefoot

i see jazz
when i see
stools - instead of seats or chairs

i see jazz
when i see
smoke drifting

Art Intimidating Life - The Ruins of my Mental Empire: Part Sixty-Five

karmic car horns honk as they walk down the aisle - a loud love celebrated quietly - a silly celebration celebrated without the feelings - was there any real need to be right? - she asked me if the queen was drinking, i never knew if i was the one to answer - my home town now melds into three or four - five if you count mexico as a town - eight if you count four days in krakow - eleven if you count an hour of heaven - i saw the circus was in town for an hour - jesus was a juggler - moses was mooseman - noah manned the bumper-karts and mary poured the drinks - i sat on the hay-bales, smoking a pipe and drinking something mary concocted me in a dirty old coffee cup - my beard was bushy - life was pushing too hard on me, getting in the way - id have to brush it aside like a machete man in the australian-wilde - sometimes i'd catch the train, on the belgrave/lilydale line - yeah, i pushed on peak hour - standing amoungst them all - pretending not to notice - drowning my consciousness with book, music, or vacant stares - trying not to make eye-contact for the third time - i wonder if they realised they in the presence of so much insignificance - i wonder if they'll know where they're going to sleep tonight - i imagine a spectacular end to the world - and wonder if the authorities will give us notice, or keep us blindfolded - i love to imagine a prepared end to the human race - everyone given at least a month to do and say all the things we should've and wouldn't have - a mad-month to get our shit together - a month of madness, sharing love and wealth and crime and a month to decide how we'll decide our last lost seconds of life on earth - im sure the internet will form mobs, and gather in public places - me? - i'll probably share some time between friends and music - im sure it'll be a great month for live music - but when the time came, i'd find myself somewhere - nowhere in particular - no where significant - i'll be with the people im with - im sure lady-elle will be there - im sure i'll have my face to the sky and a smile on my face for no reason at all - maybe i'll be happy - maybe i just won't care and i'll be happy enough that none of us have to care about the whole damn thing anymore - we'd sit down and talk about how we're not afraid to die,  and i'd wonder if im telling the truth - i hope im preparing myself well enough - god knows we're a lifetime away from the buddhists - they know, as do i, you could spend a lifetime exploring one second of existence on earth - given the chance, i'd take that chance and risk it all - because it beats this, and i won

Art Intimidating Life - The Ruins of my Mental Empire: Part Sixty-Four

im not tired, so i don't sleep
i turn on a lava lamp
my soul to keep
- but i wake up in the morning

i wonder around at dusk
and break into a construction site
the rain turns into dust
- in the end they'll finish it

the unframed photo curves with age
i no longer see the faces
like a novel missing a page
- i never knew them that well anyway

it's time to turn off the heater
as the violent rain falls
these blankets can't treat her sweeter
- but i've got my jacket on

i've locked myself out
of my own house
"holy shit!" coltrane makes me shout
- i'm out there for hours

and he feels hazy
as she drinks water,
the guilt of the lazy
- i watch them both with a beer in my hand

young couple kissing
the crowded train
and the rain down pissing
- i've got an ipod and a book

cooking my dinner alone
i listen to jazz
but not the ringing telephone
- i have seven messages, apparently

fingerless gloves of the coffee-cup
shake the hands
of the glove-less drunk
- but im not hungry

i shake my fists and nod my head
trumpet man, i  hear you play
the night is long and the day is dead
- i really don't care, but how did i get here?

a long walk home in the rain
yellow headlights and puddles
i left my umbrella on the train
- but what an amazing cup of soup awaits me at home

a rusty old tin can
hard and tough
it's ending where it began
- i wonder what they're improving now?