yeah, misery - he who knows how is lying - he who knows why is lying - he who when is lying - he who is miserable is battling the truth, and battling alone - saturday and the fucking sunshine - blue sky smiling through the holes of all those green and golden leaves that are nodding their mellows minds in the same way a stoner nods to the groove of a wooden shjps song - i wake up loud after another rager - gotta do something in a life that always throws something at you - but i meander soulessly - nothing inspires me - i don't want to write - i don't want to reply or respond to anything that appears before me - i scan my music, pleading the doctors to subscribe me something - nothing - and it's at this point, at 10.30am, i know im in for a big one - a perfect sunny weekend with nothing to do but anything i want to do, and im stuck in the endless cycle of a frustrated misery - nothing inspires me to do anything - i just want to kill time before time kills me - i walk the rooms, poke my head into each one hoping pathetically something had changed - i move down the hallway knowing all well im just going to lie down in bed and not be able to sleep - i open the curtains, thinking lying in bed looking out the window at the perfect sunny saturday morning weather will help fool myself that i'll leave the house at some point during the day - lady-elle eventually comes in and takes a nap like an artist - i lie awake next to her and my mind torments itself as i listen to her breathing a soft and small sleep on the pillow next to mine - eventually, as i watch the colour of the day fall into dusk, i become depressed and i tell lady-elle - she wants to help but my long series of "i dunno" and "whatever" answers prove that nothing can help me now - sure, i'm aware - sure, i've been here before and i believe it's just a natural flow and everyone's wave crashes and swells - but this was the second one in a month - were my post-trip blues really this severe? - am i really falling out of control? - have my years of tempting and taunting madness and insanity finally come back to infest my mind? - have i lost my strength to keep it at length?
it tagged along as i pushed on through some more days - i was standing on a train reading about yuri gagarin - i was surrounded by some people and i let them be - i thought of all their buzz words and latest trends that i choose to ignore, but they assume im too far out of it join in - i know - my eyes and ears and mind are open - i realise, and i realise the real world - i look at one girl and think "friends with benefits..." and then in my fuck-you-mind i say "all of my friend have benefits" - and that was all it took for me to regain myself - one girl on a train and one little cynical thought - later i thought "from now on I only eat meat that has been raised by same-sex parents" - and then i thought i'll make an appointment at a hairdresser and just before i hang up i’ll say “oh wait! one more thing… do you also cut hair?” - and then i asked someone if they were going home too and deliberately and inappropriately asked for a lift home, even though i knew they lived on the complete otherside of the city - all for my own amusement, but knowing all well they'd find it funny too - and i was back and out of it, waiting for another sunny weekend to fatefully fall upon us
now is a perfect time to have some haiku i wrote in bliss in a national park in eastern lithuania...
lithuanian pine trees
you keep secrets
of the men in black jackets
mystery man
what do you need
with three nights in this hotel?
clouds drift
much slower
in a cold dusk
so far from home
alone, crazy with thoughts
- how did i get here?
boozy lithuanian night
your thunder
sounds industrial
cold beer
a pen and paper
my cleansed soul, and open mind
and with nothing to do
i realise
there is no need to do anything
drifting clouds!
wait right there!
i want to come with you!
two fighting ducks
- are you high
on global warming?
here i am, alone
- noone will ever be here
with me right now
the lake looks so cold
from my hotel room
- my beer is warm
this dusk is almost
so beautiful
i contemplate putting off my nap
two young girls
watching a boy on a bike
love, lust and heartbreak
van gough print
on my hotel room wall
- amazing, i have seen the original
like drawn curtains
those polite clouds
part for the sunset
whats the point of talking
to anyone
who hasn't been to lithuania?!
when i die
i want to be cremated
with my head buried in a book
an autumn dusk
i look to the sunset and think
god must be wanking
god must be wanking
- the sun sets
over a cold pine forest
still silent lake,
don't let the rain drops
wake you up
sitting on a chair
looking out the window
- days change so subtly
willow tree
- are you really
as lazy as you look?
the whole afternoon
spent looking out the window
who is stranger? me or my neighbour?
willow tree
when the wind blows
you deserve the nobel peace prize
home from dinner
a night out with you
my jacket smells like enchiladas
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