Art Intimidating Life - The Ruins of my Mental Empire: Part Sixty-Seven

 

im writing at a desk, for once - i have a desk - simple, with a lava lamp to my left - my cds to my arse, and a cd player to the back of my head - to my right is the greatest photo i have ever taken; one of lady-elle smiling infinitely at a local footy match that our apparent team somehow won and somehow ive captured my view of beauty in one drunken saturday afternoon photo - in front of me is a giant jimmy dean walking down times-sqaure, a squares places ive spent time twice and been puked by the advertising jimmy dean has morphed into - there's symbolism though - i also have a photo of marilyn monroe, days before she died - just because she looks like a goddess in the sense she knows-all - and fuck, she knew a bit- i used to joke about having the chance to film a sex scene between james dean and marilyn monroe - but i think they'd just cuddle - maybe smoke a few

along with jimmy and marilyn, i have a photo of warren ellis in a cool bad seed suit about to cross the road with a non-sassy sexy looking dress-wearin lady-down-walkin right-by behind him strut - not only is that something i'd love to put into words, it's something i try to live by - i want to be oblivious to fucking everything, but know it all - so far, i know it all

i also have a letter  - im not even going to smoke it - all letters should be smoked - kids these days dont know what they're missing out on - music especially - im about to turn thirty, and im so glad i dont have the music taste of a twenty year old from ten years ago - i also have the age behind friendship - i finally have the wisdom i craved for twenty years, and i yearn for the wisdom of another twenty - that's something not everyone has, or yearns for


i'll say it again, i've spent the most of my twenties thinking about death - i've said it before, but i spent the most of my teens thinking about death - i've said it before, but i spent most of my childhood wondering how to spend this thought that pushes me through life and confuses me with sunsets and sadness and late-nights and friendships - how to find balance in a psychological nuclear war, not to mention day-to-day misery



my life makes more sense to me the closer i am to death - my only concern is how clear life seems to me at thirty